Yes, I know, all the New Media Douchebags love to wax rhapsodic about their overcomplicated bullshit coffee making. At this point, I don't think Marco Arment can go from desire to coffee in under a fucking hour. However, I'd like to say something about this: every single cup of coffee I've had made via French Press has been identical.
Identically weak, watery shit. French Press is the diarrhea of coffee. It's like someone gave the coffeemaker a norovirus, and what you get is the befouled brown watery stream it produces.
I've had that shit at people's houses and at hippie fucking coffeeshops where they can't even be fucking arsed to put the espresso in the fucking cup along with that french press effluvia because...fuck if i know, they can't make espresso for shit either. (HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MAKE WEAK ESPRESSO? I DON'T KNOW, BUT THEY DO. OVER AND FUCKING OVER.) I don't ask for much in coffee. Strong. Black. In a fucking cup. Try not to take all fucking day to make it. I'm the guy who walks into the local starbucks and says "Vente Green Eye", (three shots if you're unfamiliar), and when asked "if I want room for cream" looks at them like they're daft. Usually, they stop asking me.
I don't want my coffee to caress my tastebuds and awaken my senses with an aroma that only beans personally carried over in the cloaca of hand-fed turtledoves can produce. I am not celebrating the moments of my life.
I am feeding a fucking addiction, one that I am happy with, functional with, and god help you if I get that fucking headache because I haven't gotten enough coffee that day. (Melissa saw that headache once. I walked from my house to whataburger, because I was in too much pain to drive, and wasn't in the mood for "laws" and "stoplights". Melissa came with me to make sure I didn't start a fight with some fucking car that thought IT should be in the road where I was walking. Not the driver. The car.) I want my coffee to punch me in the face while screaming "WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU LIMP-DICKED COCKFACE!"
I'm actually rather happy with a wide range of sources. Starbucks, Krispy Kreme, Keurig, fuckit, just be strong, black, in a cup, and in my fucking hand. I could give a fuck less with one exception: that french press shit. If I hear that, I know I'm going to get fucking brown crayon water.
Fuck French Press coffee, and fuck hipster douchebags who overcomplicate everything. Life is short, coffee should be simple.
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