Because when you do something they've been fucking whining about, there's still some other reason why you're failing, and you realize, until you are paying them, well, to take your content and sexually gratifying them, and keeping them free of disease in a computerized house that makes them french press coffee every morning and a bidet that works in a more complicated time signature than Dream Theater on LSD...nope, they still won't be satisfied.
Take this example, brought to my attention by Harry Marks. (THANKS A WHOLE FUCKING LOT MAN): "Annoyance-Driven Development", on John Siracusa's personal blog, the aptly-named "Hypercritical". Talk about understatement.
At first, you think it will be okay:
I’m not ready to predict a winner in this race—though the two-year wait for HBO to add AirPlay support to its HBO Go iOS app does not inspire confidence in the old guard. I’m more interested in what Netflix offers that HBO doesn’t.
The answer is obvious to anyone who has used the service. For a fixed, low monthly fee, Netflix lets customers watch TV shows and movies whenever they want, wherever they want, on phones, tablets, “smart” TVs, game consoles, streaming media boxes, blu-ray players, even personal computers—remember those?
Netflix’s decision to release the entire first season of House of Cards all at once is in keeping with its disregard for the traditional limitations of TV. This is how products and services endear themselves to consumers: remove everything that gets in the way of the what we want. We want to be entertained. We don’t want to to arrange our schedules around your TV show. We don’t want to watch commercials. We don’t want to be forced to use a particular device. We just want it the way we want it.
Awesome. The spoiled children have gotten their way, right? They can watch their shit wherever and whenever they want. So Netflix is the tits, right? Oh fuck no, how stupid can you be? No, no, there's still something wrong, something that ruins it all.
Is it the money? No, surprisingly enough.
Is it the stream quality? No.
It's that you have to watch the opening credits FOR EVERY EPISODE!
No, I am not shitting you:
But even Netflix has been unable to escape some of the trappings of the days of video past. A TV series like House of Cards that’s released a season at a time naturally lends itself to multi-episode viewing sessions. But as I recently tweeted, watching a minute and a half of opening credits before each episode can get tiresome.
This position proved somewhat controversial on Twitter. Hard-working people deserve credit, some said. Others said that the credits set the mood for the show. Some people just plain liked the credits, with no qualifiers.
But there were also people who agreed with me, people who routinely skip the opening credits (often lamenting the limited content-skipping tools provide by their chosen Netflix viewing device). One person even read my tweet while killing time as the House of Cards credits ran in another browser tab.
MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME!!!
It's not just that. He goes on:
To be fair to Netflix, the existence of opening credits may not be entirely under its control, even when it’s paying for a series itself, given existing union contracts for actors, directors, writers, etc. But getting bogged down in the details of this debate misses the point.
(the point that if you ever thought you could ever make people like Siracusa happy, suicide is your only option. Won't make him happy, but you won't have to listen to him either.
Yes, opening credits are a longstanding part of traditional TV—but so were fixed broadcast schedules, commercial breaks, and viewing all TV shows on a television set. As the delivery mechanism changes, the content itself must also adapt to its changing context.
(How-EVER does he put up with the aaaaagony of mandatory opening credits. MY GOD, IT'S LIKE NETFLIX IS SLAPPING HIM IN THE FACE WITH THEIR DICKS! WITH ALLLL THE DICKS!!!)
Not everyone binges on House of Cards four episodes at a time, but the people who do really love Netflix for making it possible. Every time I fast-forward through those 90-second opening credits (made more difficult by the occasional variable-length pre-credits scene), I get the opposite feeling about Netflix. It’s an unhappy reminder of the old world of TV. No explanation of contractual obligations or artistic credit is going to convince me that I’m mistaken about my own desires. I just want it the way I want it!
(He is in fact, a spoiled brat, crying because he didn't get an AMG Mercedes on his Quinceañera.)
This may sound comically selfish, but true innovation comes from embracing this sentiment, not fighting it. For companies looking to get the best bang for their buck out of technology, this is the way forward. Find out what’s annoying the people you want to sell to. Question the assumptions of your business. Give people what they want and they will beat a path to your door.
No, it is vomitously selfish, and the only way tits like Siracusa will beat a path to your door is to bitch you didn't carry them to your door in a sedan chair made from recycled AMC Pacers! You will never, never, ever, do enough for this mindset. Even worse the more you do, the less these cockwipes will pay, and the more they will complain.
The best thing any business that wants to stay sane will do is ignore all these fuckers. Make a good product, charge a fair price, try not to be douchey about getting it in people's hands. If the hipster turds complain about it, good on you, you're doing it right.
As Siracusa says, "Eliminate the negative". Is there any group more relentlessly negative than these hipster nerd fuckwits? Even *I* say "Thank you" once in a while.
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