I see you've decided to follow me on twitter. First, welcome, and thanks. Unless you're a spammer. Then I say "Go stick your head in a shark's mouth, you annoying tit!"
Since you may not know me personally, or via other channels, I feel it is only fair that I provide you with a guide, so you know what to expect as a follower of mine.
- You know all those cute, well-meaning guidelines to "Twittequette"? The ones with helpful hints so you just rock on Twitter? I break pretty much every rule, guideline and suggestion they have. I often go out of my way to do so. Give me a page like this one, and I'll go our of my way to break every single "rule" contained therein. My only "rule" for Twitter is do what you wish, and have fun. The rest is alll bullshit.
- I use profanity. A lot of it. In fact, you probably have to follow porn stars to get more NSFW than me. I don't mean the cool ones that talk about hockey, horses, dogs, and yoga, but the ones where every tweet is about their next movie, or who they banged. I wallow in profanity. I swim in that shit. I love it, and if you try to complain about it, I'll call you things that your gym teacher, drill sergeant and local hobo union couldn't come up with if they worked together for a month with a fresh batch of sterno. I'll make you go to church in fear for your soul, should you annoy me sufficiently. Also, I don't care if you get in trouble at work for following me. I'm not making you do that, not my farm, not my pig.
- I'm verbose. If I need to string something across 30 tweets, I will. I use tweetie, I stage that shit, and then commence to clicking post like it was a cure for cancer. I've been on twitter since 2007 or so, and have over 40,000 posts. You do the math. I will, at some point, own your twitter stream, and I won't feel bad about it.
- If you feel the need to not follow me, you don't need to tell me. I'm a big boy, I wear my big-boy pants every day. I don't check who unfollows me, I don't really care that much. I assume you have a valid reason, for you at least, to stop following me. You don't need to justify your decisions to me. I assume they're based on a reasonably logical thought process. Don't ruin that for me.
- I may follow you back. I may not. If you bother me about it, I'll just torment you as the weak-willed prat you are.
- I am a father. Please, don't assume I think all children our precious, our future, or our best hope. I know too many teenagers to think they're more than just barely smart enough to not soil themselves. Most children should be left on hillsides for wolves. Along with their parents.
- I am not in fact, a niiiiiice person. I can be nice to people who return the favor, and have something about them I like. Or just aren't fucking stupid. How I treat you depends on you.
- I snarl and am mean. My wife however, is actually evil. If you get on her bad side, well, padded rooms are kind of nice, right?
- I have opinions. Of course they are strong. Why the fuck would I have weak ones? I don't care that I don't present all sides to the story. Sometimes, the other side is stupid. Water is wet. Exactly what the fuck is a legitimate opposing argument to water being wet? Right. There may be another side to the story. Doesn't mean I care about it, especially since I disagree with it.
- I wish the illuminati were real. Having that kind of competency in charge would give me great hope.
- Your relationship with $DEITY is your business. As is my relationship with $DEITY. Or lack thereof. But, I do think religion is stupid. Actually, groups are stupid. People can be awesome, groups are stupid.
- I try to incorporate facts into my opinions. If you want to change my opinion, give me better facts.
- If I say that something you said is "Fucking stupid", before you get all whiny, consider the possibility that I may be right. Do you want to not listen to the guy telling you about that meter-long toilet paper tail you're sporting? Okay. When people tell you you're fucking stupid, I'm not saying blindly agree with them, just leave open the option that they're right, and you're as thick as a whale omelette.
- I have a full-time job, and write for a number of outlets. They all know what I am like. They still work with me. So telling me I may be "jeopardizing my job" with my twitter stream will only get you mocked.
- My friends tend to be like me. Keep that in mind. We also like ganging up on the weak and stupid. It's pack behavior, and it's kind of fun.
In other words, be cool, be yourself, and if possible, combine the two. That would be awesome. But if you can't, remember that everyone gets to use Twitter their own way, even me. Don't fuck with me, I won't internet fist-fuck you in the eye.
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