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So a long time ago on LiveJournal, I came up with a way to...deal with the rampant entitlement-based stupidity you see in this world, especially Ameracuh. For your amusement and horror, (Note for the fucking inane: YES I KNOW THIS WOULD BE A BAD IDEA IN THE REALLY REAL WORLD. NOW FUCK OFF AND GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC) here it is:
A few nights ago, after dealing with all the IT-related stupidity I deal with on a constant basis, and well, stupidity in general, I was thinking...
How can I properly punish these fucking idiots?
Yes, there's violence, but face it, as an enforcement tool, it's lost it's edge. Making it effective again would require far too much work. We'd have to get so inventive that just creating the setup would delay the meting out of justice by months, and then you've lost the causal relationship that's so important.
As well, there's always a chance you'll kill the stupid fucks, and you can only do that once, so there's no fun in that. Besides, if you kill them, they can't learn anything.
So what we need is something that borders on violence, but involves shock and awe
, and a good dose of humiliation/embarassment.
I have, of course, the perfect answer. It has immediacy, and is specifically targeted, so there is no doubt on the recipient's part that it's punishment for their actions. It's humiliating and embarrassing, because nothing drives a lesson home like people laughing at your lame ass for hours. It takes advantage of a technique used to great advantage by Howard Dean in the 2004 Democratic primaries. Finally, and this is the...icing... on the cake for me...it involves one of the odder porn practices, so those doling out the punishment get something out of it besides the satisfaction of punishing the stupid.
What is this new method of keeping the world unsafe for stupidity and entitlement issues?
Flash - Mob Bukakke
Think about it...you're at a Burger King, and some stupid bitch with entitlement issues is on the phone with 911 bitching because she can't get her fuckin' burger...you send a text message, and thanks to your GPS - enabled cell phone, all the local mob members in a 4 block radius are notified that their...services are needed. Within seconds of becoming an entitlement queen, the silly bitch's car windows, interior, and her bad dye job are now being sprayed with the spooge of the righteous. Lemme tell you, if treating the BK folks like shit means you drive home covered in the ejaculate of a bunch of random people, you're going to think it over real hard before you let fly with your entitlement issues.
Parent in your physics class simply unable to grok that no, the classroom is NOT an appropriate place for his child to run around like a maniac in? Excuse me, while I whips this out...
a couple of beeps to send the message, and within minutes, the moron in question now looks like the love child of Sasquatch and a mutant Krispy Kreme. Bet he won't make that fuckin' assumption again.
But John, what about AIDS? What about STDs?
Well, that's the part I love the best. Being stupid now becomes a game of Russian Roulette. You may get off, (all puns are intentional and furthermore, planned), with just getting glazed, or you may die a slow lingering, horrible death, or you may just get some nasty assed crap oozing out of your eye. No Petunia, that ain't pinkeye either. I don't see the problem. You choose to be stupid in a loud way. You choose to treat some poor kid in a Walmart like shit because you think you're better than they are. You choose to park your ugly fucktardmobile across the last three spaces for six blocks in North Dakota in January. If you choose to fuck with people, then I think you should run the risk of serious personal harm, or even death. Don't like it? Don't be a dumbass. It's really simple when you think about it.
This isn't just for the men either. All you really have to be able to do is ejaculate on someone and not take more than about 2-3 minutes to do so. Women can pull this off as well, but it's not as common. However, if you can, join the club. There's something extra horrifying about a strange woman with her vagina jammed in your driver's side window, spooging all over you and your Expedition. It's like the deer scene in "The Ring 2" only much, much, MUCH worse.
Now, some rules:
- No pissing, no explosive diarrhea, no vomiting. Just good clean jacking off on people. We gotta have standards after all.
- You gotta be able to go from 0-cigarette in 3 minutes or less in public. If you take twenty minutes, then you lose the immediacy, and you're just a garden variety perv.
- While you don't have to be Peter North, it has to have SOME velocity and volume. I mean, two drops on your shoe is kinda pointless here. However, if you are able to imitate the Beercan, you can be a local group coordinator.
I think that in about six months, the amount of casual fuckin' stupidity would go WAAAAAAAAY down if the penalty was being the cookie in a surprise attack circle - jerk.
Works for me anyway.
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Curing The Stupid
Posted by John C. Welch at 21:13 | Permalink
Comments
that is freakin' awesome!! Very good idea...where is that option for the real world? Or at least something feasible? Please?
Posted by:
zanyterp 
|
August 5, 2008 9:45 PM
“Blog Posts I Really Shouldn’t Have Read Over Breakfast: #1”.
Posted by:
pauldwaite |
August 6, 2008 4:18 AM
You fool, you brought a penis to a knife fight.
Posted by:
Improbus |
August 6, 2008 8:38 AM
Or there's always the technology aid for those who have speed, volume or range issues, as well as the non-ejaculating womenfolk-- click the link on my username to see the OOZINATOR!
Posted by:
Dave Pooser |
August 6, 2008 11:52 AM
Hmm.. ok, try THIS link. Darn Hasbro...
Posted by:
Dave Pooser |
August 6, 2008 11:55 AM
OK, I give up. Hasbro breaks links to product pages. Go there, search for OOZINATOR. It's worth it.
Posted by:
Dave Pooser |
August 6, 2008 11:57 AM
Hilarious. There is no way I can read this post without giggling, which is why I'll keep it open at work.
Posted by:
Moeskido |
August 6, 2008 10:30 PM
