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Of course, it was bound to happen. Someone was going to get their tallywhacker bent because someone was using Twitter in a way they didn't like, and so now we have not one, but two, two posts about Twitter Ettiquete, courtesy of the "Global Geek News Blog".

First, I find that when a site tells me it's going to provide me insight, they're already lying. What they mean is "bad analysis cloaked in enough buzzword bingo to keep your card filled for a fortnight". I'd say something about blogs with "geek" in the title, but I still have that in mine, so I'll just shut up about that for now. At least until I get that fixed.

Note: Yes, I do differentiate between this and netiquette. First, netiquette was created in part by actual need. Because it was created in an environment of twenty years ago, when da Intartubes was a really different place, and so you had to have a few more rules, or literally, shit could break. On a 300 Baud modem, yes, every character counts. Anymore, well, to paraphrase my wife's favorite movie: "It's really more of a guide than an actual law", and where it no longer fits, it's been properly ignored.

So, on to pcnerd37's great Emily Post!

Hm?

Oh, yes, that's his nickname. pcnerd37, real name Jeremy Bray. Hey, I don't make this shit up, I'm not smart or imaginative enough to make this shit up. So Jeremy writes:

With the explosion in popularity that Twitter has received, especially with the massive usage at SXSW, it has become very clear that some facets of twitter are beginning to annoy people. For the benefit of all twitter users, I have made a list of rules for Twitter usage.

Wow, ego much? Penis, I haz one, you can haz suck it.

onversations that require more more than two @ replies should be moved over to a direct message. People not involved in the conversation don’t want to be spammed with conversation that should either take place at the water cooler or in private. I don’t care if you are trying to decide on a place for lunch with your twitter friend. If it doesn’t involve a large number of your twitter followers, don’t fill our twitter feed with your discussions.

Oh Jeremy, you're so right. We should follow your example, and tweet about who's on fucking Leno tonight, and multiple posts about your blog, because lord knows, global geek news is all we fucking care about.

If you are going to Twitter events, do it on an alternate account. For the sake of the sanity of those not at the event such as SXSW, we don’t need to be made jealous by your twittering of every person you run into or panel you listen to. Use a second account that your followers can follow if they want to know every detail about your event experience.

It's too harrrrd to temporarily unfollow people, they should do all the work for me.Get fucked ya douchebag, it's not my job to create a fucking account for everything I do. People don't like it, they can stop following me. Sheesh. Besides, since I'm busy at events, I tend to tweet less during them. But then, i don't walk around them trying to get in with the New Media Douchebagerati.

You should not twitter more than once every 15 min unless it is in reply to another twitter user. Certainly there are situations that make for an exception to this rule, but generally speaking, especially those people that are alerted via text message, get annoyed with constant twitters from a single person. It can also be very costly to those that get message via text message. I have stopped following several people for excessive twitter usage. You should never twitter more than 30 times in a day unless you want to lose followers.

Because losing followers is worse than waterboarding! What a fucking nimrod. Was he thinking this in a priggy British accent, because that's what it comes across as. Fuck you, ima tweet as much as I want. By the way, I tweet like I had six hands and speed in my veins, and I have literally 8 times the amount of people following me has he does. Evidently, all the masochists follow me, or Jeremy's full of shit. I vote for c) all of the above.

Do not follow massive amounts of random Twitter users for no reason. I have had many random people follow me that only a handful of people follow, yet they follow thousands of people. You cannot keep up with all of those people and are generally seen as a spammer hoping people will follow them so they can promote their projects. As a personal rule, there is no way I will follow you if you follow more than a thousand people than follow you.

Prove you are worthy for me to follow you. Is it just me, or is this maybe starting to smell like a way to jack his twitter rank?

Automated Twitter messages should be done on a second account. I have noticed this problem primarily with Twitter users that use their account to announce things like when they are broadcasting on sites like Justin.tv. If you are going to enable such an automated Twitter messaging feature, use a second account for it so that if you have a bad connection and are constantly coming on and off, people don’t get spammed with messages they don’t want. Much like having a second account for Twittering about events, the same goes for automated Twitter messages.

We should be like Jeremy and all post about our inane blog entries MANUALLY. Seriously people, read Jeremy's damned twitter history. A significant number of his posts are little more than "Digg my posts". It's pretty sad when a Digg whore is trying to call out other people for doing the same fucking thing.

Don’t post the same thing to multiple services. If you are going to have accounts for all the different services like Utterz and Pownce, post unique messages to each service. Don’t post the same thing to all of the services. Nobody wants to receive the same message multiple times because they follow you on multiple services. Decide what you want to post to what service and stick with it. Don’t post a single message to multiple services.

Fuck you, I'll crosspost what and where I want.

If you have many projects that you want to plug updates on Twitter, make dedicated accounts for each project. I admit to breaking this rule, but if you have a project that you post every change you make, or have multiple projects that have regular changes, they should have their own, dedicated accounts. It is always a good idea to keep business and personal things separate. Not only will this keep from annoying your current followers, but it will also allow people interested in your projects to stay up to date without getting messages about every aspect of your life.

"I admit to breaking this rule"??? No Jeremy, you don't just "break" this rule, you squat over it, and let loose with days of diarrheal discharge on it.

If you want to keep your followers happy and grow in Twitter popularity, I highly recommend following these rules. These are the rules that I have come up with that seem to address the worst problems I find on Twitter. If you have more to add to the list or have an issue with my rules, please post your opinion in the comments. While I choose twitter, many of these rules apply for the other services such as Pownce or Utterz.

So endeth part 1 of Jeremy's Trip To "I'm an Overbearing Jackass Land". Again, I'll point out that I make hay of all of his "rules", (as does Jeremy), or come close to it, and as of this writing, I have 404 followers, (irony that), and he has 50. I would also note that a significant number of the people he follows are New Media Douchebags. If someone's trying to give you rules for success, and they aren't far more successful at the specific field than you are, then their rules are probably stupid.

But wait, there's more! For a limited time only, you get Part TWO of Jeremy's Inane Twitter Rant:

I have been surprised by the reaction I have received in last post about Twitter Etiquette. I expected to get flamed, but not quite like I did.

I am completely fucking delusional.

I have decided to write a second post in response to the reaction I have received from the first post. I also have some new rules that were brought to my attention after the original post.

I am not only delusional, but a drug-addled nincompoop with serious masochistic tendencies.

Before I introduce the additions to my list of rule for proper Twitter etiquette, I shall respond to some of the comments I received over the last story.

Luckily, I am also an attention whore, and a really desperate one, and this is getting me more of that than I have ever had before in my life.

Before I respond to specific issues, my “rules” are not something enforceable and are not intended to be. They are for the benefit of the Twitter users and in hopes of keeping the Twitter service stable. Twitter doesn’t need any help to crash, excessive usage doesn’t do them any favors.

Damnit, I'm doing this FOR YOUUUUU!

That said, it seems that many people do not understand what Twitter is.

I, Wile E. Coyote, Sooper Geenyous shall create a simple explamation that even untelligent peoples such as yourselfs can undermastand.

Twitter is a micro-blogging service, NOT a chat room or instant messenger. If you want to have large discussions, use an IRC chat, not massive @ usage. People who don’t care about your @ conversation don’t want their feed spammed with your conversation because you are too inconsiderate to move to an actual chat room.

My ego blots out the fucking sun.

I have had a number of people suggest that I stop following people that I had these issues with. I don’t like doing that because occasionally these people Twitter something I find valuable.

If I did the sensible thing, then I couldn't post whiny shit like this, ad then my blog would be as empty as my head.

In the months that I have used Twitter, I have followed probably 50 different people. I stopped following four of the top users that I was following and it cut the tweets I receive by probably 75%. While I won’t name names, but it is people like them that flood everybody’s Twitter feeds which ruin the experience for their fellow users.

I hate people who tweet too much, yet I follow Scoble, and every other New Media Douchebag because making sense is not a part of my genius.

I don’t like to stop following people, but if you have an unhealthy obsession with Twitter that creates a less enjoyable user experience for me, I will stop following you. The purpose of my list is so that people don’t create a less enjoyable experience for others.

What does "egotistical hypocritical oaf" mean? People say that to me a lot!

The final point I want to address that I have received some feedback on is my thought of multiple accounts. While nobody seems to disagree with my idea of moving automated posts to a second account, many people don’t seem to understand my idea of having different accounts for different purposes. The purpose of having multiple accounts is that followers may care about some things you post, but not everything. By having an account for multiple things, you can have happy followers that care about that particular topic but don’t want to be inundated with messages that you post about other topics. I will give you an example. Say somebody hosts a large number of podcasts or blogs about several different topics. If I enjoy some podcasts or blogs but don’t care about others, I don’t want updates about the stuff I don’t care about. Having to sort through the posts I don’t care about to get to those that I do is both inconvenient and frustrating from a user experience standpoint. Having choices is always better than being forced to take everying.

Especially now that I am about to do as I say, because my ass is getting flambe'd like burnt ends over my pathetic hypocrisy on this subject. It only took me 586 posts to do that.

Now that my response to reader comments is over, I want to introduce a couple of new rules for proper Twitter etiquette.

Someone said I was not more full of shit than anyone else on the web. I am here to reclaim my title.

Messages should not be split up over multiple Twitter posts. There is a reason you only have 140 characters to post in. Like I mentioned earlier, Twitter is a micro-blogging service. If what you have to post about takes more than one post, it should be posted in a blog.

So spaketh Jeremy, so shall it be done.

Twitter is not a chat room. If you are having large conversations that involve multiple users, move it into an actual chat room. There is a reason that IRC has been used for many years and is still very popular. It is far better for a conversation than filling up peoples feed with @ messages about whatever you are discussing.

It is so tiring trying to deal with you unportant people when you all should be waiting in rapt silence for my next thought.

Posting the exact same message multiple times should be avoided at all costs. If you are unsure that a message went through, check your feed before you post the same thing over again. Nobody likes to be flooded with identical posts, especially if its something they don’t care about.

Someone told me I should post something that made sense, so I went for something fucking obvious that no one really does all that much.

I have no plans to write a third blog post on this topic unless I see it necessary as I have other topics I would like to write about. If I feel the need to respond to a comment, I will do so in the comments section. Before you post a comment, keep in mind that my list is to improve the user experience of the twitter users, not attack your personal usage habits.

If it keeps getting me attention, you bet your ass I'm going write another post on this. I'm going to become the Judith Fucking Martin of Twitter if it means people pay attention to me.

Jeremy Bray: New Media Douchbag.

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Tracked on March 23, 2008 12:43 AM

Comments

Damn, John, remind me never to become your Derision Object of the Day...

Posted by: PigInZen | March 18, 2008 8:59 AM

This is sad, to up your search engine ranking and popularity, you basically steal nearly every word from my posts. Try coming up with something original to post.
-Jeremy Bray

Posted by: pcnerd37 | March 19, 2008 11:39 PM

Jeremy...

BAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH...seriously, thanks for the laugh.

First, that was a point by point rebuttal of two of the stupidest fucking posts I've ever seen in my life. Seriously. See, I have to quote you so that people know exactly what it is i'm rebutting, and so you can't say I misquoted you. Since I quoted, in sections, your entire posts, you can't bitch about context or quote mining, because all the context is there, and all your words are there.

It's a time-honored technique. Not as old as your condescending bullshit trying to dictate behavior to people and being wrong about it, but still, it has a rich history.

But the money shot is you're accusing me of not posting anything original?

Cast out the beam in thine own eye you moron. Your entire site, going back to 2006 is nothing but whining and bad analysis of things other people do, and you accuse ME of stealing?

I don't normally get into this kind of dick-waving, but I'm in a good mood, so what the fuck.

http://www.macworld.com/article/132587/2008/03/entourage_backup.html

Yeah, that's my work, with some help, properly attributed, from some Microsoft Mac BU folks.

On this site:

http://www.bynkii.com/archives/2007/12/a_primer_to_snmp_on_mac_os_x_1.html

Yeah, that's based on my own experiences in using SNMP. I'm still getting free beer from various sysadmins for that one. In fact, a few people have made it required reading in their shops.

http://www.bynkii.com/archives/2007/03/installing_nagios_2x_on_mac_os.html

Again, I created that procedure. In fact, it's part of the Nagios third-party documentation set.

http://www.bynkii.com/archives/2006/04/active_directory_open_director.html

Evidently a lot of people loved my overview of how I implemented this. Got a lot of complements and beer.

Here's a script I wrote to get properly structured PDFs out of Entourage:

http://www.bynkii.com/archives/2007/02/new_fun_script.html

and that's not the half of it. Stupid kid, don't be pointing the "lack of originality" finger at anyone unless you got a TON of published original output that people use to back you up.

But then, I ignore the fuck out of your "Do this or you lose followers" advice, and I have what, around 8x the number of twitter followers you have?

Yeah...being superior, u r doin it rong.

Posted by: John C. Welch | March 20, 2008 12:20 AM

"to up your search engine ranking and popularity"

Hah, that is the funniest thing ever. Bynkii.com, that stronghold of linkwhoring, google ads and general public appeal.

Bray, dude, just get the hell off our internet.

Posted by: Super Joe | March 20, 2008 4:20 AM

Stupidity, it's the gift that just keeps giving huh? It's funny how New Media Douchebags just can't conceive of someone not spending their every waking moment obsessing on how to up their pagerank and Adsense revenue.

Posted by: Angry Drunk | March 20, 2008 9:59 AM

Yeah...it took my wife pointing out that google ads do no good when you can't really see them...for two months!...for me to finally get off my ass and highlight them.

As far as page rank, god, who fucking cares. All that shit does is drive up my bandwidth bills.

Posted by: John Welch | March 20, 2008 10:12 AM

"…Apparently some people think its wise to try to steal my blog posts and popularity."

Wow. Just... wow. This guy is so full of himself, he created his own special little bubble world around him. A tear in space time created by stupidity.

This can only lead to awesomeness.

Posted by: Super Joe | March 20, 2008 12:56 PM

"The sky...it's full of awesome stars"

He should be offering to manipulate my schwanz for all the traffic I've given him.

Posted by: John C. Welch | March 20, 2008 1:01 PM

I can see why he's worried about you stealing his popularity. A search for 'globalgeeknews.com' results in 22 hits on Technorati (the vast majority of which are a result of his Twitter tirade). Clearly you're dealing with a real mover and shaker in the blogosphere.

Posted by: nadyne | March 26, 2008 12:48 AM

yeah. Thank god for all his google juice...he's almost Scoblellian in his ability to deliver hits.

Posted by: John C. Welch | March 26, 2008 1:01 AM

Just had some monkey post a comment on my blog telling me I needed to limit my tweets to 5 per day because they were clogging up his mobile device. And he warned me that if I posted too often I'd lose followers.

What a complete moron. If followers aren't interested in what I've got to say they shouldn't be following me. It's a simple enough solution.

Loved this post and was glad to find something to make me laugh that also validated my anger toward this twitter nazi.

Fille x

Posted by: Fille aLouer | April 21, 2008 2:12 PM

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