Because honestly, I'm tired of people complaining when Steve doesn't read their minds and design Apple's product line around the random stuff they want...
"Good morning, and thank you all for being here. We have a lot of exciting things to talk about today, but we're going to change it up. Now, at this year's developer conference, I was ragged on pretty hard because we didn't show new iPods or a phone, or some other thing that would make no sense to show at a developer's conference. No one seemed to realize this. Now, some bloggers, like Scoble, well, I don't expect them to have a clue. But the rest of you, well, I had hoped that you'd realize that at a developer's conference, I'm just up there to get things started, and really, the developers want me to do my song and dance and get off the stage. Which I did. It was a really good conference, except for some people griping about the freebies.
However, I, and the rest of us at Apple are sick of it. We're sick of all the lamer bloggers, stock analysts, (there's a joke of a term), and even the so-called 'real' news people expecting us to design our products based on random impulse. We don't do that any more, we haven't since I came back, and with one or two exceptions, we've done really well. But because we haven't released the perfect phone, or the perfect whatever, all we get is "Well, that's okay, but Apple really needs to design this thing that only ten people care about, but because I'm one of them, I'm going downgrade their stock to "rubbish".
So we have a new policy, and I'm going to show it to you this morning. I call it "Kiss my ass".
That's right, I said "Kiss my ass".
Now, when most people say it, they're being metaphorical. They're expressing anger, and other emotions. But here at Apple, we Think Different. When I say "Kiss my ass" I mean it.
We have all kinds of cool things here, but I'm not introducing a damned thing until everyone here lines up and kisses my ass. We have a nice walkway and everything for you. I'm going to drop my pants, and bend over. That's right, I even freeballed it for you today. Oh, I can see all of you sitting there in shock. Well, I better start seeing some lining up on that center aisle, or you can all go home, because if I don't start feeling the lips of the press and everyone else in this room without an Apple employee badge on my ass in the next five minutes, you're getting fuck - all today, and you can just read about it on the web like our customers, you know the ones who give us money, unlike you freeloading assholes.
Yeah, that's what I thought. Oh, and I'm judging on quality, so none of this "kiss the edge of one cheek" bullshit. Deadeye on the browneye, or you get nothing. You all think I'm an asshole? Well now you get to see it up close and personal. Leander better get some tongue action going, or you're all screwed. In fact, he should be last, so he not only has to tongue the iAnus, but he gets sloppy eight-thousandths. Someone tell King that no, he can't have one of his fans do it for him while saying "eh". He has to get his ass up here like everyone else.
That's it, kiss the ass that keeps you all employed. More tongue Pogue, or no dictation software for you. That's it. We all know you're my bitches, this is just proving it. Maybe the next time, you'll do like the shirt says and drink a nice cup of shut the fuck up before you say something stupid. Speaking of shut the fuck up, someone make sure Welch is in that line, and tell him he should be glad he's not getting my middle finger. Where's your "We need two technical conferences from Apple" now? Yeah, that's what I thought. Better hope that goatee's conditioned, you lose points for scruffy.
So in conclusion, I own you assholes, and you all know it, and you better start thinking before you write or the next keynote's motto will be "Suck my dick".
I'd be laughing too hard to walk. I swear I would be.
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