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The best punkin' pie recipe evar!

First, yes, it’s *Punkin’* Pie. This isn’t just the end result of senseless squash slaughter. It’s supposed to make you feel good at all levels. A Pumpkin Pie, of course, cannot do this. But a Punkin’ Pie? Oh yeah, gimme ‘dat Cool Whip and ice cold whole milk, and I’m a happy scooter.

Some Punkin’ pies are made to be light, almost airy. This of course, is an abomination. When properly made, a Punkin’ pie should have mass, it should have weight, it should have its own gravity field, it should BEND LIGHT!

Now, this requires you to use a pumpkin (it’s not a punkin’ until it’s a pie). Not canned. But the actual fruit? itself. It’s not that hard to do, and it’s kinda fun. Take the pumpkin, and cut out the stem. Then carve it in half. You’re going to want a VERY sharp knife. Oddly enough, I have great luck with Ginsu knives here. So cut the pumpkin in half, then cut the halves into small wedges about 4” wide. Once that’s done, cute each wedge into thirds. Once that’s done, use your oh-so-sharp knife, and cut the pulp/seeds off of each piece. It may seem like a waste, but if you are careful, you won’t waste much, and you’re going to get a LOT of pies out of an average pumpkin anyway, so it’s no big deal. It’s also a heck of a lot easier than trying to scrape that stringy nastiness out.

Once the pumpkin is de-pulped and sectioned, heat the oven to 325°. (No, you are NOT “preheating” it. You’re heating it. What is “preheating”? Making it hot before you make it hot? Not on my watch.) Cook the pumpkin chunks for at least an hour, or until the ‘meat’ is soft and about falling apart.

Once that’s done, let the pumpkin cool, and cut it out of the rind. Now, get a blender. Not one of those fancy-schmancy ones, but an genuine Osterizer bar blender, no less than a 500w motor, and sharp steel blades. You can actually find 700w models somtimes, and if you can, grab one. (No, you DON’T need a row of buttons. You need, at most, three settings: Off, On, Pulse. That’s it. everything else is just propaganda from the wussy blender people.) If it looks like it can process entire countries, it’s a good blender. Take the pumpkin you just peeled from the rind, and run it through the blender until it’s a nice slurry.

Now, as to the ingredients, (Note: This is PER PIE):

• 2 eggs
• 1¾ cup pumpkin
• ¾ cups sugar (I tend to use brown, I like the molasses flavor)
• ½ tsp salt
• 1 tsp ground cinnamon
• ½ tsp ground ginger
• ¼ tsp ground cloves
• 1½ cups sweetened condensed milk, (helps with the density)
• Pie crust of choice. This is a spicy (as in flavorful) pie, so a blander crust works better. I like graham cracker or ‘Nilla wafer crust. Just buy them. Making pie crusts sucks.

• Put all the ingredients in the blender and run that puppy until they flow freely.
• Pour the contents of the blender into the pie crust
• Heat the oven to 425°
• Bake at 425° for 15 minutes, then reduce to 350° for 45 minutes, or until it passes the toothpick test
• Let cool, and eat with lotsa Cool-Whip and really REALLY cold whole milk.

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