« Microsoft's “Neutral” stance on non-tech issues | Main | THIS...is what I mean »

Lucas that is. George Lucas.

Take away his film privileges. He sucks, and he's a total OCD imbecile who doesn't understand that sometimes, it's the imperfections, and the things you may not like about a work of art that make it something more. He thinks that if he modifies everything enough, eventually no one will notice and we'll all call it perfect.

WRONG

First, and this must me said now, he's an awful director. Before all the examples to prove me wrong start up, he's a shit director. What he is good at, or used to be anyway, is editing. All those examples you want to prove me wrong with? American Graffiti? The first Star Wars film? Editing. I mean for the love of god, he made Suzanne Somers look like she could act. Alfred Hitchcock, who could out direct Lucas thirty years after his death couldn't have done that. Early Lucas flicks are tours de force of editing wizardry. The ones that don't suck.

But please, don't try to tell me that Star Wars, (by this I mean, Episode IV, A New Hope. When someone who's 37 says Star Wars, we only mean one movie) is a masterwork of directing. All the great acting happened in spite of Lucas, not because of him. Face it, Harrison Ford was, and is, a great actor. Alec Guiness? Great Actor. The were also big enough to not have to put up with a lot of Lucas' shit if they chose not to. Alas, poor Liam Neeson was not in that position. (Nor is anyone else since Lucas became the richest prat in Hollywood.) Bet he's glad he died off quick.

However, for those of you who think Lucas is a great director, and insist on using Star Wars as an example, I give you Leia's Amazing Disappearing Accent. Early in the film, she had this really awful, (almost Winona Rider in Dracula awful) sorta-British accent: The tighter you make your grip the more systems will slip through your fingers. By her next major scene, she's just dropped that: Hey! Ain't youse a little short for a Storm Trooper? A Great Director keeps track of shit like that. Let's not forget his moronic In the future, chicks don't wear bras because they're all liberated 'n' stuff. Hey moron, there are good technical reasons to wear bras beyond the subjugation of femininity by the patriarchy.

As well, he keeps thinking that if he messes with the movies enough, he'll make them perfect. Well, no, he won't. But his ego, and his pathetically stupid belief in technology as the magic spell of not-sucking won't let him realize this. I saw his huge re-edited explosion for Star Wars. A big ring. Big deal. Now, had he made it look like the explosion of the Nostromo in Alien, that would have been worth the effort. Now, sometimes, it's not total suckage. The added Jabba scenes? Okay, nice background. A little redundant, but not evilly so. But the whole Han shot last, now Han shot at the same time thing? Gimme a break.

A major part of a movie is character development. One of the best examples of those was Han Solo. At the beginning of Star Wars, he's a smuggler, in trouble over money, and quite honestly, will shoot your ass dead if he thinks he has to. Won't bother him a bit. He's a self-centered criminal. Note: This was specifically stated in the book version of Star Wars (The one that Lucas wrote): Everyone knew you never let Han Solo's hands out of sight. Han was not a nice guy. He wasn't utter scum, but he wasn't a nice guy either. Any nobility had been quashed by the realities of his life. But through the movie, and through the first three movies, we see him grow. His nobility rises again. He remembers that money isn't everything, and some things are worth dying for, (contrary to his earlier statements), or even getting frozen in Carbonite for. That's what character development is, and for a long time, Han was a fantastic example of it.

Lucas went and really screwed that up, although he backed off a bit. Now, Han's a good guy from the start. What, he's undercover as a smuggler? If he's that good of a guy, then being a smuggler and working for scum like Jabba makes no sense. He's no longer a character, he's just a plot device for Luke.

Luke gets it in the ass from the magic wand of re-editing too, although supposedly this has been fixed.

I am of course, talking about The Scream.

In The Empire Strikes Back, during his fight with Darth Vader, there's a revelation. Vader reveals that he is Luke's father. It's a powerful scene, since most of what Luke believes has just been crapped on, and thanks to the Force, he knows its true. His entire life is upside down, and, oh yeah, he's kinda fighting for his life, and his hand's been chopped off. So he has a hard choice. Join the Dark Side, or die. He chooses, and silently takes the header off the platform. Vader rushes to the edge, but to no avail. There's a lingering shot of Vader, and we wonder what he's thinking. (Of course, with what Lucas did to The Force, I wonder why Vader didn't just levitate his ass back up, but that's a later paragraph. Never mind, this is explained in Episode III, and it is indeed lame.) Then in the VCR re-release, Luke screams as he falls off the platform. Well goody. Now, it's no longer a noble sacrifice, another example of being willing to die for what you feel is good and proper. No, he what, slipped? He wanted to chat with Vader more? Gimme a break. If the information about The Scream being taken out are true, then good. Because it was stupid and petty. Sorry George, but everyone's right, Empire really is the best of the series and I don't see Episode III changing that. But then, Empire had a good director. Oh, and the re-engineering of Hayden Christensen into the first movie? WTF, Vader never aged in the suit? He was 19 until he died? Gimme a break. He SHOULD look older than oh, HIS SON.

Don't give me any crap about how “Well that's the age he was before he became evil.” No dumbass, that's the age he was at when he was too whiny, foolish and stupid, and went over to The Dark Side because he was an overpowered little whiny bitch. That's the age he was when he became evil. You DO remember where he finds redemption? That whole scene in Return of the Jedi? “Father...help me?” He sees that his entire life since going to The Dark Side has been a waste, an unending cry of rage and fury, and it's about to kill the only thing he ever did that was worth a crap. (Again, I must interject. My statement about rage and fury was wrong. As it turns out, his entire life since going to the Dark Side has been a teen-aged temper tantrum because no one would call him “Master”. Another great character, ass-raped by Lucas)

He couldn't have done that at nineteen. If he had, he wouldn't have become Vader. It was the older Anakin who was able to marshal the strength to rise up and say No more. My evil ends here. He died to save the life he had created, the only time he had created life, (along with Leia), and not destroyed. It's why his request to Luke to remove his helmet so that he can finally see his child with his own eyes, not filtered through Vader's shell is so powerful. It is Anakin we see laying there in the remains of the Death Star as it falls apart around him. It could be said that it was perhaps the only time we get to see Anakin finally being the Jedi he could have been, at last freed of the rage and hatred that formed his early years, and made becoming Vader a given. That is why it is fitting that, in that final scene with Kenobi and Yoda, we see Anakin as he should have been, as he could have been if he had only had more strength of soul when he was younger. Seeing the whiny bitch who had a bad day and helped kill billions is an insult to the strength that the redeemed Anakin had finally found within himself.

In every act of creation, there's the temptation to keep making it better. This temptation must of course be resisted. At some point, you declare it done. Not perfect, but done. You let it go and move on. If there are things you don't like, apply the lessons learned to your next work of art.

As far as the first three movies in the set go, utter crap, all of them, even the ones I haven't seen all of , or have even been released yet. As examples:

The Force now makes you Superman. You can fly, you can shoot lasers, deflect bullets. Probably gives you a bigger winky too. Or for female Jedi, nicer boobs. I dunno, it's a joke now. The Force no longer makes you one with the universe, it makes you a super hero. Of course, the re-directing of The Force into the ultimate Deus Ex Machina pales next to teh stupidity that are midi-chlorians.

I literally could not believe that Lucas did this. So now, being one with The Force means you have a higher concentration of microscopic organisms in your bloodstream? What, is The Force now a form of dysentery? It would explain the crap that passes for Jedi Dialogue but my god, this is moronic, and insults the intelligence of every viewer. George, here's another tip: You don't have to explain everything. We don't need to know the mechanics of The Force. That one scene where they talk about Anakin's midi-chlorian count? Crapola. Trust your audience George. We can live with The Force being mysterious. In fact, it makes The Force cooler. This midi-chlorian idiocy makes it sound like you can get The Force from drinking untreated water. So, instead of The Force being a mysterious thing, it's a disease brought on by micro-organisms. Just great. Have chronic diarrhea? You may be a Jedi.

But that's minor. Take a look at what Lucas does to the actors in Episodes 1 & 2. Liam Neeson? Boring. Samuel L. Jackson? Boring. That's right, Lucas made Samuel L. Jackson boring. The dialog between Anakin and Amidala, (I saw a few parts of Episode 2, and I almost puked)? Oh.my.god...if it were any more wooden, it would be Star Trek V. “I...Love...You...Ami...Da-la” BARF. Christ, why bother using humans at all? Oh wait, Jar-Jar, never mind.

But the fight scenes are the worst. He couldn't even be bothered to choreograph the fight scenes properly. In the final fight with Darth Maul in Episode 1, really look at the action. Ray Park is almost moving in stop motion to let the other two catch up. If that's how bad Jedi fight no wonder they all got massacred. A bad Tae Kwon Do school could do it. I watched the battle between Jango Fett, and Samuel Jackson...okay, so yes, Jackson's character is an uber - Jedi master. But he's fighting Jango Fett. The Baddest Bounty Hunter Anywhere. He's killed Jedi. I'm not saying Fett should have won, I'm saying it should have been a close fight. Not “Swish-swash, and Fett's head rolls away.” That was just insulting. It means that Boba Fett is either the biggest wuss in the world, or that everyone else who fears him is just a complete spineless pile of jelly.

But the worst was Yoda. Yeah, I wanted to see Yoda fight. Who hasn't. But I'm also a martial artist, have been for over a decade. What you realize is that as you work with folks who have been doing this for say, over half a century is that they don't waste movement. The better they get, the more economy of motion. There's no grand gestures anymore. Watch videos of the master who founded Aikido. No great movements, but people get laid out. That's a Master...they use their art unconsciously in everything they do, and when they are actively using it, you can barely see some of what they do. So I'm looking for something that shows Yoda as the Master he is, because even at that point, he's been doing it for what, 700 years? Even fighting Count Dooku. (DOOKU? Holy crap George, don't just HAND South Park the parody...“Howdy-ho everybody, I'm Count Dooky, the evil Jedi Master”) I am hoping for this economy of motion from someone who is a part of The Force at levels that no other Jedi can comprehend. From someone who has transcended anger and hatred.

I'm a complete moron for thinking Lucas could do that.

Instead I get a methed-out cricket with a glow stick. Boing, boing, screaming, yelling, boing boing, and then, he can't even kick Dooku's ass while holding up a building. I guess he can only do that on Dagobah. What a pile of crap.

Looking at the previews for Episode 3? Same thing. Vader pivoting up on the table with his hands clamped up beside his head...so he looks like an overly effeminate flamer getting a surprise. “OOOOOooohh...I get a LIGHT SABER!!!!” The emperor attacking people, looking like Freddy Kreuger in bad robes. No. I refuse to give Lucas my money, or even my time. I honestly hope it gets pirated all to hell and no one sees it in the theater. Losing money seems to be the only thing Lucas understands.

Screw you George, for being such an egotisical cockwad and ruining something that a long time ago, was really really cool.

I wrote that part in December of 2004 on another site, after seeing early previews. I've now read (not bought, George gets no money from me) the kid's book and the full novelization of Episode III.

I hate Lucas more.

You have to understand that in the first three movies, Vader was Evil. He was unnatural. He was the thing that crawled out of the pit that Obi-Wan pushed him into. He scared everyone but the Emperor pissless, and he was the most obvious manifestation of the Emperor's power.

He was Vader, and to even displease him was to die.

Over time, fans of the three good movies think of Anakin as a true tragedy. A noble character who was gradually perverted into a monster. A ray of hope changed into a wasteland of hopelessness.

But what does Lucas give us in the first three movies?

A whiny bitch who couldn't have his way so he turned to the Dark Side in a temper tantrum. He's not even evil anymore, not like Vader was. Now, he's just every other goth-teen stomping into his room yelling No one understands me, but I'll show you all!. My god, he's a sci-fi version of those two prats who shot up Columbine. That's not evil, that's just...teen angst to the max.

So now, every time I see Vader saying great lines like Obi-wan was wise to hid her existence from me. Now his failure is complete. I'll be hearing Neener-neener, I know who she is now, and i'm gonna maker her evil so we can do evil things, like...like wear black and worship SATAN! My god, Lucas turned Darth Vader into DARK HELMET!

Thanks to George's appalling lack of subtlety and talent, one of the great embodiments of screen evil is now the lame embodiment of an over-privileged teen trust kid who had to settle for a stock Benz on their birthday instead of the AMG model.

I mean, at this point, Obi-Wan should have just bounced a basketball off his forehead and told him to squirt a few. Even worse, it's not that Anakin uses the raw power of the Dark Side to crawl out of the lava pit and back to his new master to become Vader in form, not just name. Obi-Wan kicks his damned ass. Cuts off both his legs and the other arm, and watches the basket case roll into the lava. It's a damned midget toss! The only reason he survives is because the Emperor feels a disturbance in the Force, (I guess that much whining does have a long range), and comes to get him. What's the first thought the guy has? Not “Good, now I truly own him.” No, it's “God-damn, you little retard. What good are you like that. Can't shoot no zippy Force death rays, can't fly. Shit. Maybe I can put him in a scary suit, and give him a voice that sounds like he grew a pair at some point.”

Oh yeah, Amidala dying right as the kids are born? Smooth move Lucas, way to keep continuity with “Jedi”. I suppose you'll have to edit out scene where Leia tells Luke about their mother. Way to know your own work, idiot.

Oh, the whole chosen one thing? Why did the Jedi think “Balance” meant, “No more evil.” I guess “Math” is one of the things in the list of stuff A Jedi Cares Not for. Okay, so before Episode III you have two Sith, and a passle of Jedi. That, dear reader, is unbalanced. After Episode III you have two Sith and two Jedi. That dear reader is balanced. I guess along with sex and love, Jedi aren't allowed to do math. Critical thinking and analysis aren't big on their list either. No wonder Anakin Whinewalker wiped them all out so easily.

I have to stop here, it's just too lame to keep thinking about it.

What's left, we find out Han's really a furry, and Chewie's his love-slave?

God I hate Lucas.

Trackback Pings

TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.bynkii.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/72

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference I hates Lucas! I hates it forever!:

» I hates Lucas! I hates it forever! from Cynical-C Blog
I love a good rant. This rant about how Lucas has destroyed Star Wars is excellent. (There may be a few spoilers at the end for the new movie though.) I literally could not believe that Lucas did this. So... [Read More]

Tracked on May 6, 2005 01:58 PM

» Great rant about George Lucas and Star Wars from kottke.org remaindered links
http://www.bynkii.com/archives/2005/05/i_hates_lucas_i.html... [Read More]

Tracked on May 8, 2005 11:00 AM

» Lucas Hate Expressed from Mama Write's Sideblog
Here's a length rant about George Lucas... there are some really good points here, thoughtful musings on character and plot logic. Interesting, too, is that the fans who are most annoyed with George Lucas and the latest Star Wars movies are those... [Read More]

Tracked on May 8, 2005 12:02 PM

» Some Hilarious Observations on the Wars Sextology from Musings of a Chicagoan
There is some amazing, amazing, amazing analysis of simple plot flaws and critical problems in Lucas’ Star Wars sextology here at The Bynk Zone. This isn’t going to keep me from watching and enjoying Sith, but I nevertheless quote liberally... [Read More]

Tracked on May 8, 2005 01:48 PM

» Hating the George, hating the Wars from Movie City Indie
An epic rant about hating George Lucas at The Bynk Zone, via Kottke: sarcasm and spoilers galore, which make me look forward even more to seeing the Sith in the AM: "The worst was Yoda. Yeah, I wanted to see... [Read More]

Tracked on May 8, 2005 04:20 PM

» I hates Lucas! I hates it forever! from nostrich.com
A rant about George Lucas... [Read More]

Tracked on May 8, 2005 04:55 PM

» Methed-out crickets and teen angst from less blkmage | grep life
Here is an excellent look at our beloved Star Wars and the crap that George Lucas is transforming it into. Time for some quotes... [Read More]

Tracked on May 8, 2005 06:34 PM

» Why Star Wars Sucks Muchley from UserDriven
The Bynk Zone: I hates Lucas! I hates it forever! [Read More]

Tracked on May 8, 2005 06:37 PM

» links for 2005-05-09 from How Now, Brownpau?
The Bynk Zone: I hates Lucas! I hates it forever! Cathartic rant, some profanity. He didn't like Episode III. (tags: starwars) Les Jones: Dave... [Read More]

Tracked on May 9, 2005 01:19 AM

» Store Wars and a Lucas Rant from DeviceZero - Personal Blog
Awesome Star Wars parody: Grocery Store Wars. Use the "Farm" Cuke. I have to say bynkii.com makes some great points about Lucas in his i hates lucas rant: We can live with The Force being mysterious. In fact, it makes... [Read More]

Tracked on May 9, 2005 10:32 AM

» A really great rant about G. Lucas and the re-created Starwars from Building my empire
True, True ... I found myself wondering about the very same questions ...... [Read More]

Tracked on May 9, 2005 11:02 AM

» I hates Lucas! I hates it forever! from ad Hominem Links
http://www.bynkii.com/archives/2005/05/i_hates_lucas_i.html... [Read More]

Tracked on May 9, 2005 11:10 AM

» I hates Lucas from OcNews
I hates Lucas! I hates it forever! Rev, this one's for you.... [Read More]

Tracked on May 9, 2005 02:07 PM

» I hates Lucas! I hates it forever! from Uwe Hermann

Someone seems to hate George Lucas.

[Read More]

Tracked on May 9, 2005 06:15 PM

» Episode III Advance Reviews from Les Jones
The BBC has a spoiler-free roundup of reviews. Meanwhile The Bink Zone has a spoiler-packed review slash anti-Lucas rant. More reviews at IMDB. Episode III opens May 19. Bonus - Howstuffworks explains how a light saber works. Via Ace. Man, I wish I had... [Read More]

Tracked on May 10, 2005 07:51 AM

» Stop Lucas from Infloop
A coherent rant about how Lucas has ruined the original Star Wars in addition to making the prequels crappy. Of course, the re-directing of The Force into the ultimate Deus Ex Machina pales next to teh stupidity that are... [Read More]

Tracked on May 11, 2005 07:58 AM

» Somebody out there really hates George Lucas from M. Ellis Conroy's OM&TR: Linklog
Somebody out there really hates George Lucas [c/o kottke.org]... [Read More]

Tracked on May 11, 2005 01:50 PM

» He really hates Lucas from the carnage
And you thought I had issues with star wars and george lucas? Check John out. ... [Read More]

Tracked on May 11, 2005 07:36 PM

» The Erm, George Lucas rant, par excellence from Link Blog
... [Read More]

Tracked on May 14, 2005 09:14 AM

» Countdown To The Sith from ClownCarBlog.com
Let's just go ahead and declare this Geek Week and let the Star Wars previews roll ... First up is the official review of record, from the New York Times. Aside from a notable quotable such as this: "Mr. Lucas's... [Read More]

Tracked on May 16, 2005 07:03 AM

» Newsweek Reports Star Wars Episode III Script Flushed Down Toilet - Widespread Riots Ensue from IMAO
According to perfectly reliable news magazine Newsweek's anonymous source, pathetic basement-dwelling geeks around the world are pouring into the streets... [Read More]

Tracked on May 17, 2005 07:07 AM

» George Lucas Knows His Moons from The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
If his films weren't enough to make me suspect George Lucas is a moonbat, his statements at Cannes did. CANNES, France - Without Michael Moore and "Fahrenheit 9/11" at the Cannes Film Festival this time, it was left to George... [Read More]

Tracked on May 18, 2005 01:51 AM

» the last episode from [i:rrhoblog]
zweiundzwanzig jahre. irgendwann im sommer 1983, in den usa, bin ich ins kino gegangen. ich glaube mich an einen großen parkplatz vor dem kino zu erinnern, aber das heißt in den usa natürlich nicht viel. so, vielleicht nur so ähnlich,... [Read More]

Tracked on May 18, 2005 03:19 PM

» Third Time’s the Charm? from Seattlest
It has come to Seattlest's attention that there's some big movie coming out tomorrow. Sigh. It's not that we're not huge Star Wars fans---the first film we can recall seeing in the theater is Return of the Jedi and we still have Empire Strikes Back bed... [Read More]

Tracked on May 18, 2005 06:10 PM

» Third Time’s the Charm? from Seattlest
It has come to Seattlest's attention that there's some big movie coming out tomorrow. Sigh. It's not that we're not huge Star Wars fans---the first film we can recall seeing in the theater is Return of the Jedi, and we still have Empire Strikes Back be... [Read More]

Tracked on May 18, 2005 06:26 PM

» Que Es El Sith? from Achtung Baby!
Joanna Newsom Darth Vader History of the word Sith: [Read More]

Tracked on May 18, 2005 07:16 PM

» In Case You Missed It, There's a New Star Wars Episode from Patent Baristas
You may not have heard but a new Star Wars episode opened today in theatres. Yes, after more than 25 years, "Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith" is certainly whipping up a frenzy among the public. ABCNews... [Read More]

Tracked on May 19, 2005 08:47 AM

» Odd Parts from 100 monkeys typing.
Inquiring Minds Why is no one is asking the truly amazing question: Where can I, a lowly tax-paying citizen, get a pentagon funded toilet that's designed so well, that it's able compensate for 3rd world water pressure *and* possesses enough... [Read More]

Tracked on May 19, 2005 09:10 AM

» Star Wars gives people the irrits from deconstruct.me.uk
Don’t like Star Wars? Have a read of this superb little rant on the topic. ... [Read More]

Tracked on May 19, 2005 11:40 AM

» At the Theater from bblog
Waiting for the movie to start. we're going to see it in the Valley's only DLP theater. I hope this is good. [UPDATE: Ho hum. I'm not sure that the DLP experience really added anything to the movie. That said,... [Read More]

Tracked on May 26, 2005 11:18 AM

Comments

Yup,
It's pretty much become Beverly Hills 9021-Jedi, you'd find a better decent into darkness in an episode of The OC.

Posted by: Mark | May 1, 2005 09:08 PM

Y'know John, you make me feel SO much better about having a long extended conversation over NexTel (It's how Business gets done) about the new Battlestar Galactica with one of the other tech dudes here over at TSP. We are SUCH geeks.

One of us! One of us! Gabba-Gabba-hey!

*sigh* I agree with you, the whole "Han Solo" thing twisted me already. "Star Wars" is just done. Hopefully it's over now. Or at least in a few months.

Anyone who thinks that Lucas actually has talent, think this over;
Notice that Lucas hasn't done ANYthing other than "Star Wars" & "Indiana Jones" since he made the first movie? Well, there was "Willow" but that kind of proves my point. :)

Posted by: W. Ian Blanton | May 2, 2005 01:40 AM

Y'know, I forgot to mention, there was a quote from Isaac Asimov in one of his anthologies, where he talked about how he rarely re-edited his works (ie: went back and changed them greatly), he said that he found that it just didn't work for him, that if the story was that bad, he needed to start over with a new one. Maybe that's a lesson that Lucas needs to learn.

Posted by: W. Ian Blanton | May 2, 2005 01:42 AM

Heh...oh I just like talking about movies in general. But yeah, Lucas is a great honking prat about this. I'll be a dollar now if he does have Amidala die right after the kids are born, he re-edits "Jedi" to "fix" his self-created "continuity issue"

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 2, 2005 06:39 AM

Hey c'mon, he's writing the fight scenes for what is primarily a non-martial-arts-practising audience... people expect flourishes and crazy jumping. I liked it. You've got some good points though. The Force was better as a mystery, and Anakin is a bit of a twat.

Posted by: Steve B | May 8, 2005 12:18 PM

I agree that Lucas is a horrible director, and that his going back and changing finished work is pretty damn lame, but have to majorly disagree on your other points of why you hate him.

I think the fact that Anakin turns to the dark side for such petty reasons, and that he is the epitome of a whiny teen is actually beautiful. And your example of the Columbine killings really proves the point. Killing 12 people because you feel different isn't "teen angst to the max." It's retarded... and evil... and shows exactly how far that whiney teen can go.

Also... Anakin is a whiny bitch? I'll agree... but um... he's a character... not a real person going, "Wha wha wha... I hate you.. HATE HATE hate you cuz my favorite movie from when I was a kid has been DESTROYED by the sequels!!! You bastard! I hate you... I would go cry into my vintage Star Wars sheets, but I burned them after I saw Episode One."

I mean... Lucas sucks... no doubt. Really, even the original three movies aren't exactly a tour de force (with the possible exception of Empire). He has good ideas, is good at editing, and knows how to hire amazing artists (Like Ralph McQuarrie and Kun Chang). He's a horrible writer (BTW the Star Wars Novelization was ghost written by Alan Dean Foster (http://www.alandeanfoster.com/version2.0/novelsframe.htm)). He has no sense of continuity (but I have to disagree about the Leia remembering her mom thing... I always thought that she was just remembering Bail Organa's wife). And, yes, as a director... especially when it comes to directing actors, I have to wonder how he got his good rep.

But isn't this all a bit over the top?

Breathe in... now repeat after me: "It's just a movie..."

Posted by: andy | May 8, 2005 01:00 PM

It's so funny how the most successful are often called the worst. If he truly were the worst, then he wouldn't be a folk hero. But he is.

Really, if you didn't think he was great, then surely you wouldn't care about his franchise. But you do. Why?

I did a movie with my brother and god-daughter (my brother's daughter). Ya wanna see it. Cause, if you care so much about the worst director ever, then surely, me being better than the worst, you would want to see my home movies too. Right?

Posted by: Randy Charles Morin | May 8, 2005 01:18 PM

Sorry Randy, but mass followings do not equal talent. I mean, Britney Spears' albums went platinum numerous times over, but she's still a no-talent hack.

But I also think you're missing the point. The reason that Lucas is worthless is because he's pretty much defecated all over what were once good movies. The first trilogy was a pretty good set of movies (when viewed objectively), but was also a watershed moment for an entire generation. Millions of people fell in love with it. Then twenty years later Lucas not only decides to remake parts of those movies, but to make three other movies completely out of character with the first set.

It's analogous to some plastic surgeon convincing your beloved wife of twenty years to get plastic surgery, and her coming out of it looking hideous. You think you might have a beef with the doctor?

Posted by: Dinu. | May 8, 2005 01:41 PM

Many things combined here:

Hey c'mon, he's writing the fight scenes for what is primarily a non-martial-arts-practising audience... people expect flourishes and crazy jumping

But they sucked. I could live with extra flourishes, but they sucked. It's a good thing that he didn't have anyone with a clue in the second (and probably third) movies' fight scenes. At least if everyone sucks, it's less obvious.

If the scenes don't suck, I can forgive a lot. I did like the bit in the first one where when the energy fields come on between them, they both commence to a quickie bit of meditation rather than posturing. That was nice.

think the fact that Anakin turns to the dark side for such petty reasons, and that he is the epitome of a whiny teen is actually beautiful. And your example of the Columbine killings really proves the point. Killing 12 people because you feel different isn't "teen angst to the max." It's retarded... and evil... and shows exactly how far that whiney teen can go.

So if you give the columbine kids magical dysentery and light sabers, they're no longer whiny retards, but great examples of tragedy? Look, the problem is, in the original movies, (the ones that didn't suck completely), Vader is set up to be a figure of tragedy. A great pilot, a good friend, a great Jedi, a good guy who after achieving such titles is corrupted and falls from grace into evil.

That's not what the first three movies show. In the first one, he's a little kid, and Yoda is already TELLING us that he's not going to be a good Jedi. Yet they make him a padawan anyway. What, Yoda knows this will be bad but he's dumb? No.

The second two movies just show trajedi, not tragedy. Anakin never achieves any real grace to fall FROM. He's just a whiny bitch who gets what was coming to him. Why not use the second movie to show us WHY the fall of Anakin was a tragedy? Hell, that would have been cool. We already know what happens to him, why not make the journey cool. How about using Milton as a guide instead of Aaron Spelling. Read "Paradise Lost"...that is what Vader's story should be in the first three movies.

Also... Anakin is a whiny bitch? I'll agree... but um... he's a character... not a real person going, "Wha wha wha... I hate you.. HATE HATE hate you cuz my favorite movie from when I was a kid has been DESTROYED by the sequels!!! You bastard! I hate you... I would go cry into my vintage Star Wars sheets, but I burned them after I saw Episode One."

Because i like movies. Good ones. Rear Window. Sin City. The Pink Panther. I like fun movies. Most Jackie Chan flicks. Vin Diesel movies. They don't have to be deep or meaningful. Just a fun waste of two hours. With explosions and great one-liners.

What I don't like is being assaulted by a trio of movies that are nothing more than the lead ad for the LucasArts marketing department. I can't see the movie yet, but i can buy so much crap for it that I could fill a house with it. The problem is, i can't even call Lucas a sellout, because that would assume he isn't one to begin with. There's nothing good about these movies other than reminding me that there are even bigger dorks out there than the "HItchhikers" fans. I get enough commercials for free, why pay George for a two-hour one that sucks?

He has good ideas, is good at editing, and knows how to hire amazing artists (Like Ralph McQuarrie and Kun Chang). He's a horrible writer (BTW the Star Wars Novelization was ghost written by Alan Dean Foster (http://www.alandeanfoster.com/version2.0/novelsframe.htm)).

Dude, Lucas is the biggest control freak on the planet. Who physically typed the words doesn't matter. If it says "Star Wars" every last item of it was personally approved by George. Again, look at his pathetic attempts at re-engineering "Empire" and "Jedi".

He has no sense of continuity (but I have to disagree about the Leia remembering her mom thing... I always thought that she was just remembering Bail Organa's wife). And, yes, as a director... especially when it comes to directing actors, I have to wonder how he got his good rep.

Leia grew up on Alderaan, so why would she not remember her adopted mother. The scene didn't really make any sense to begin with. Why would Leia suddenly realize she's adopted and magically recover memories of someone that she has NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT? Remember, she didn't know about her familial relationship with Luke/Vader until that scene, and she has no CLUE about the Force, as shown in that scene. But if you're going to leave it in, then at least make a token attempt to not have it be any more of a wart than it has to be.

But isn't this all a bit over the top?

Breathe in... now repeat after me: "It's just a movie..."

"That i'm not going to see, that I'm not going to see, because the last lucas movie I paid to see was Willow, because at least that was funny, even if it was lame, i didn't pay to see Episode I either..."

It's so funny how the most successful are often called the worst. If he truly were the worst, then he wouldn't be a folk hero. But he is.

He's a folk hero for THX, American Graffitti, the first three movies, Willow, and the Raiders trilogy. Now, he's just an overblown ego with too much money. It's like watching Old Fat Elvis sing Hound Dog. Any magic was gone long ago. Making money and not being a fountain of suck are not mutually exclusive. Emo proves that.

Really, if you didn't think he was great, then surely you wouldn't care about his franchise. But you do. Why?

Because the original movies were cool. They had some vague soul, they were fun to watch. The next three, the last of which will, please god, be just a memory by the end of the year, are vultures rendering the corpse of three really neat movies. Also, remember, he only directed one of those three, namely, Star Wars, and it is the weakest of the three. But he wasn't LUCAS THE MIGHTY then, so he couldn't control everything, and he didn't have the tech to completely remove the human element.

These three may was well be computer games, they look to be nothing but fodder for them anyway.

Oh, by the way...your brother's daughter is more correctly called your "Niece". She can ALSO be your god-daughter, but the primary familial relationship is "niece".

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 8, 2005 01:57 PM

dude,

it's a movie. if you don't like it, don't watch it.

or create something better yourself. easy. then we can all gaze on the brilliance that is you.

Posted by: pacey | May 8, 2005 04:33 PM

Ok, here's a different perspective on it, I pity a George Lucas.

I pity him, believe it or not, because he does not possess the qualities of depth and understanding that might have enabled him to deliver on the Star Wars promise.

Imagine being feted and lauded and given mountains of money, have people worldwide look to you with awe, so undeservedly. Imagine not having the capability to realize that the accolades were misplaced. You'd believe your press, everyone would have to after a while.

I pity George, and all the other people in the same position, who can whiff at the true genius of others but can only taste of their own mediocrity.

Deep down they must know it is folly which would make living the lie a kind of genuine hell. It would be kinder to them not to be successful and rich. At least then they'd have half a chance to discover some place content within themselves. Perhaps if they lived out a more mundane life they would meet their own true potential instead of being heralded for greatness that is not there.

May all of be spared that fate.

Posted by: Shelley Noble | May 8, 2005 05:27 PM

Holy cow, this is what I've been saying since the first movie came out. Of course I believe most fanboys and girls who have tried so very hard to ignore the suckiness of the first two movies have been trying to ignore all these reasons to loathe Lucas for what he's done, but they're not fooling me. I think most people who adored the first few movies are sick to death of Lucas's purile middle-aged 'king of the sandbox' nonsense and look back on days when a horrid director put out a movie that we could all love despite his stupidity.

I don't even count the first three movies. My friend is buying me a ticket to try and prove me wrong, and I'll be happy to be able to laugh myself silly at her as she tries to justify her way outta Jedi Shaft, wooden romance between Whiny Little Bitch Anakin and Silly Little Barbie Amidala, and the horrific nonsense that is the creation of Darth Vader outta Emo Anakin. I'm going to enjoy my laugh, and mourn a serious rape of a classic.

Posted by: Kate Monster | May 8, 2005 05:55 PM

Good post. I've told several of my friends that the worst part of the new Star Wars movies wasn't the suckage of Jar Jar or the woodenness of the acting. The worst part was all the potential, squandered.

It could have been for the Ages. It could have been the one "better than the Lord of the Rings." It could have been this century's Hamlet or Oedipus.

But instead, it's crap.

Posted by: Cardozo Bozo | May 8, 2005 06:06 PM

it's a movie. if you don't like it, don't watch it.

or create something better yourself. easy. then we can all gaze on the brilliance that is you.

Oh lord...yes, it had to happen.."Well let's see you do one better if it's so easy/sucks so bad"

Okay, so let me ask this simply...

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? Jesus, we all agree that Pacers were ugly sucky cars, why do we have to be able to make a car to say that?

Let me see if I can explain this in small words...

1) I liked the original three movies. They were really, even the one Lucas directed, quite good.

2) I don't like anything he's directed since. Because he's a bad director

3) Episodes I-III are what happens when you get too much control, and everyone is too busy kissing your ass to say "Dude, this is really wretched, and you kinda screwed Darth Vader in the ass with this "He became evil because he was in luuuuuuuuuuuvue" tripe.

4) For what Vader should have been, go read "Paradise Lost" until you get why I'm mad at lucas.

5) If you don't like people criticising episodes I-III, why read a post that BY ITS TITLE is going to be a lambasting of the fetid sucking sound that is George Lucas? This is like the people who read Maddox so they can write him hate mail.

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 8, 2005 08:23 PM

"Kate Monster"

heeeeeeeheheheeheheheh

"the internet is really, really, great...FOR PORN"

heeeeeeheehehehe

you.rule

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 8, 2005 08:24 PM

Why Star Wars Sucks

Though, I must admit, I've read the script for Episode III, and read the graphic novel, and while I don't think the story rocks or anything, it does seem to be an impovement on the last couple of entries. I wince at the thought of more Anakin/Amidala scenes, though. Lucas has the power to extract the worst from his actors...

Posted by: J.D. | May 8, 2005 08:36 PM

This "rant" is nonsense: there are certainly many flaws in the entire Star Wars series, film-wise, and yes, the prequels thus far have not approached the originals in quality, but primarly, the disappointment with them is a problem of the audience, not the author.

If Episode I had come out in '77, everyone would have been just as astounded, obviously even more so, than they were for A New Hope, despite the wooden acting.

I also find it hard to believe people are actually criticizing the Jedi and their abilities...any Star Wars lover who claims they weren't wowed by the Darth Maul battle at the end of Ep. I is almost certainly lying. Just because the choreography becomes apparent when you've watched it 3200 times doesn't mean it wasn't a great bit of swordplay. For god's sake, the battle between Obi-wan and Darth Vader on the Death Star is pathetic by comparison -- talk about amateurish choreography. Lucas' explanation that they're old men and cripples works in this situation, but in reality, we know that it was merely a lack of vision in the melee-combat department.

I'm not taking the side of Lucas or the prequels, necessarily, but I am saying that he could create a veritable masterpiece illustrating mastery of every filmic art we have an award for, and old-school Star Wars fans still wouldn't be happy. Because no matter what Lucas does, it'll never be the same: they'll never be young and impressionable again, walking innocently into an old analog theatre to see a movie that, although they didn't know it in the five minutes before they saw it, would change their lives forever within the first half hour.

Posted by: Deus Ex | May 8, 2005 10:45 PM

This "rant" is nonsense: there are certainly many flaws in the entire Star Wars series, film-wise, and yes, the prequels thus far have not approached the originals in quality, but primarly, the disappointment with them is a problem of the audience, not the author.

He's directing. I don't mind the story. I like the base premise. Lucas just sucks as a directory. Again, what's the best of the six? Empire. What didn't Lucas direct? Empire. Is this coincidence? no.

If the movies suck, it's the creator's fault. If the acting is wooden, it's the director's. (Sorry, but there's some TALENT in these movies. Can't blame the actors, they normally don't suck.) If all the humanity has been sacrificed to show off CGI toys, that's a lot of people's fault. In this case, it's simple...They're Georges movies. 1-3 are his mental masturbation, and stunted emotional growth, and he's charging you ten bucks for the pleasure. I just choose not to pretend that he has any talent. that's all. I'm not going to pay him to piss me off with his shitty films. What's so hard about that. And yes, I did put some humor in this. Most of this stuff is funny wayway.

If Episode I had come out in '77, everyone would have been just as astounded, obviously even more so, than they were for A New Hope, despite the wooden acting.

They initially savaged it. I remember. It came and went...then it came back. But no one thought it was a good movie ala acting. It just made a lot of money.

I also find it hard to believe people are actually criticizing the Jedi and their abilities...any Star Wars lover who claims they weren't wowed by the Darth Maul battle at the end of Ep. I is almost certainly lying. Just because the choreography becomes apparent when you've watched it 3200 times doesn't mean it wasn't a great bit of swordplay.

Actually, if you bothered to read my rant, you'd see that I thought Ray Park did a great job. The problem was, he was too damned good to slow down enough to not be obviously better than the other two clowns. He kicked their asses and never broke a sweat. Only the re-invented uber-dysentery that the Force has become saved Obi-Wan.

For god's sake, the battle between Obi-wan and Darth Vader on the Death Star is pathetic by comparison -- talk about amateurish choreography. Lucas' explanation that they're old men and cripples works in this situation, but in reality, we know that it was merely a lack of vision in the melee-combat department.

Or it was before the Force became THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING. That fight still resonates well. For one, Kenobi is doing it as a delaying action to keep Vader away from Luke and the rest. that's obvious. Secondly, the dude's old, and he's not yoda. Third, there's a really nice economy of motion that speaks to someone beyond jumping around and wasting energy. It works better than Yoda the Mexican Jumping Bean-Jedi.

I'm not taking the side of Lucas or the prequels, necessarily, but I am saying that he could create a veritable masterpiece illustrating mastery of every filmic art we have an award for, and old-school Star Wars fans still wouldn't be happy.

HOw about three movies that don't shit on three other movies. Maybe some real tragedy? Does anyone, after the second movie, give a rat's ass about anakin, or do we all just want to see the little brat get his beatdown from Obi-Wan. Yep. You watch, people will cheer him gettin' his legs cut off. Because the character sucks, and you want him to die.

Because no matter what Lucas does, it'll never be the same: they'll never be young and impressionable again, walking innocently into an old analog theatre to see a movie that, although they didn't know it in the five minutes before they saw it, would change their lives forever within the first half hour.

Oh stop being a fanboy. It didn't change my life. I just liked it a lot. Liked Star Trek II a lot. The rest of the series kinda sucked movie-wise. But II was cool. The first one was cool for something finally happening for warp drive.

Lucas helped make three good movies, but he's not the same guy anymore, and these movies show that. They're just there because he can. I don't think he gives a rat's fuck about them or the audience. They'll add bling to his bank, and that's all he cares about now.

Nothing in Star Wars is life changing, and if it is, that's really sad.

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 8, 2005 11:49 PM

a funny non-parallel ...

George Lucas did great things, had great power, then fell from grace, became evil.

Anakin didn't do great things, was powerless, embraced who he was, and became evil.

Posted by: eric | May 9, 2005 12:04 AM

"Hey moron, there are good technical reasons to wear bras beyond the subjugation of femininity by the patriarchy."

I quit reading at this point.

Posted by: Anonymous Coward | May 9, 2005 07:20 AM

Um...AC...okay, so why comment if you stopped reading because...what, that there ARE reasons for wearing bras that have nothing to do with subjugation?

Ask any woman who's naturally large-breasted, she'll tell you, bras are not an option. That's like saying the only reason to wear underwear is shame.

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 9, 2005 09:05 AM

Have you ever even kissed a woman??

Posted by: B | May 9, 2005 10:23 AM

Have you ever even kissed a woman??

My initial response...

Yeah, and could you tell your mom to shave her back? She keeps shedding all over the hood of my car. Have her get that damed tongue wart looked at, it tickles when she''s rimming me. Make sure you ask her why her good night kisses taste so salty, I bet I know.

But i won't say that. It would be rude. And then Mr. T will come sing at me about being nice to mothers, and that really scares me. Besides, this person's mom suffers enough knowing that the life she brought into this world turned out to be an insecure pendejo with self - esteem issues. I can't possible do more to torment the poor woman.

See, this is what I hate about the intarweb. You have a nice debate going, and a tool has to bring sexual prowess into it.

Why does this matter? It's the intarweb, you can't even reliably verify my name is John unless you know me.

But, even better, it appears that toolboy B was stupid and put something resembling a real email address.

Now admittedly, judonocrap@yahoo.com COULD be fake or someone elses. But if it's someone else's then they need new friends anyway. Oops, the spam bots appear to have a legit email address to play with.

Gosh that sucks. I bet Qwest is real happy that they have a jackass like you on their network trying to get in a cyber-dick waving contest.

moron

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 9, 2005 10:45 AM

Stopped reading in the middle. SO you´ve nothing else to do? Go get a job and try to do better! You should make the perfect movies! We see us in 30 years and then we´ll see what´ve done in your life!But what should I say more? I think you´ll get nothing ever done...go and get more angrier and let you rage grow! Good? Now jump outside the window!Do as all a favour!

Posted by: Roger Stern | May 9, 2005 10:59 AM

An old read, but a good one - especially about how Lucas turned the Jedis into something loathsome when the 2nd trilogy started...

http://www.salon.com/ent/movies/feature/1999/06/15/brin_main/print.html

Posted by: Brian | May 9, 2005 11:16 AM

Hey Rog?

Why did you read this if it sucks so much? I mean, my hit counter appreciates it, but really, why even bother with that much. Here..."YOU SUCK"

see, simple.

I see the fanboys are discovering this little screed. Well, here's a hint. It's AN OPINION. that's all. If you like the first three, good for you. We disagree on it. You think Lucas is "Teh Talent" I think he sucks donkey dick as a director/producer/anything that isn't editing and basic story creation.

Where's the problem?

And why come all the fuck to this site just to yell at me? That's kinda stupid dontchathink?

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 9, 2005 11:19 AM

An old read, but a good one - especially about how Lucas turned the Jedis into something loathsome when the 2nd trilogy started..

Brian,

Really nice read, thanks for the link. I had never thought about it that way, but sweet.

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 9, 2005 11:25 AM

This is just brilliant! The internet hasn't entertained me this much in ages, i just ate a two-course meal while poring through this cyber-ruck.

The initial rant here is WAY more than justified and i commend its writer, for being arsed to do it, if nothing else. The emperor of a well known SW forum once banned me (!) for dropping in a small post about the bilge that was ep2. It was bizarre enough that i was poking around a forum at all so i shouldnt have been surprised, but hey, i was finding it quite difficult to digest the fact a SW film COULD actually be even worse than ep1... i guess i was seeking solace, that so long as the rest of the world was SURELY thinking the same, then i'd feel less confused. Then...

... seeing all the praise, all the "ohmygod it's even better than empire" posts, i just couldn't help myself. I kept my post brief and was careful not to flame or criticise too harshly, and within five minutes i was gangbanged by SW fetishists. i hadn't even the time to get my battered and bleeding arsehole into reply mode before everyone then started banging each other and it became a fantastic orgy of abuse. Then the post was abruptly cancelled and i (?!) was banned. The emperor emailed me and explained how it wasn't really my fault, but the post was only going to start arguments and that, basically, if i didn't like the film, there was no point posting (???!!!?!?!?). The emperor then lifted my ban and it was with great satisfaction that i leapt back in there and told the fascist to fuck right off and please fucking re-ban my ass. So anyway, my pudding's going cold now so...

... the fella who posted the original rant, we should knab a lightsaber each and shoom over to cocknocker ranch to take george's head from his amphibious, tumescent neck. We'll have no problem getting in there because of our 'force speed' and that, but when the energy fields prevent us from leaving, we'll somehow have forgotten all about our 'force speed' and... ah heck... do the inconsistencies ever end...

A massive slap on the back for taking the time to immortalise the venomous ramblings that have been going through many a SW fan's head since those damned 'special' editions. Y'know, 'special' like the 'special' bus that 'special' kids had to go to school in.

And don't be too hard on Georgie, he got one thing right, he always said the first three episodes would reveal a tragic story...

Posted by: gogogo! | May 9, 2005 03:09 PM

Excellent article!

Posted by: Alex Maccise | May 9, 2005 03:43 PM

I was watching Return Of The Jedi yesterday, annoyed with the plot holes and poor editing, and I got to thinking: after Lucas is dead, how long will it be before Fox decides it's time to fully remake the Star Wars movies? Given the lack of original ideas in Hollywood lately (Alfie, Longest Yard, Love Bug, Pink Panther, etc, etc, etc...) I don't think it's too far a reach to assume this will happen! And if I'm lucky, probably in my lifetime (I'm 37).

Posted by: Bill | May 9, 2005 04:09 PM

Excellent John!!

This is why I have never seen any of the new movies, and have absolutely no interest.

Posted by: Steve Mielnicki | May 10, 2005 10:46 AM

"Yeah, and could you tell your mom to shave her back? She keeps shedding all over the hood of my car. Have her get that damed tongue wart looked at, it tickles when she''s rimming me. Make sure you ask her why her good night kisses taste so salty, I bet I know."
But you did say it, John. Look, no offense. The joke obviously went over your head. That line was from an old SNL skit with William Shatner. He said that in a skit about a Star Trek convention where a trekkie with obviously no life was asking him some arcane Star Trek question. Yeah, it was probably in bad taste but I thought it funnier than "get a life". Star Wars is obviously very important to you and you take it very seriously. I'm really sorry. Get a sense of humor.

Posted by: B | May 10, 2005 12:12 PM

Dude...this may shock you...but not everyone memorizes every line uttered by shatner.

There wasn't a joke there. It was a random line with no humorous context whatsoever. Without somehow memorizing everything Shatner's ever said, or SNL lines, (which, for obvious reasons in both cases, i have not), exactly what do YOU think that line looks like?

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 10, 2005 12:16 PM

I can fully understand someones desire to like or not like the prequal trilogy and compare it to the original trilogy, but after reading all this and that Salon.com article I am left wondering why so much energy and time is being expended analyzing these movies scene by scene? I mean c'mon, they are movies, not the Bible. If you like it great, if not thats unfortunate and I respect your opinion to that regard. I watch them because I like seeing the action and the special effects and the cool scenery and backgrounds. I love Jedi who's physical abilities far exceed ordinary peoples. I could care less though if Natalie Portman and Hayden Chritenson(sic) act like zombies or whatever, as long as their is some cool lightsaber action and driod battles and space combat scenes I am happy. I dont need fantastic Oscar-worthy performances from the actors to tell a story, its layed out plainly enough where I can easily understand it on my own.

I respect the fact that you dont want to give Lucas your money because you dont have faith in the product. There are alot of movies I originally planned to see but waited until DVD release and rented, and was glad that I didnt waste my money to see it in the theater. Im willing to spend the $8 to see it opening night because I go in to the theater with only one expectation, that I am entertained. I know there will be plot holes and terrible acting and inconsistencies and even editing problems etc etc. If I expected every movie to play out how I felt it should or how I felt the director or producer should do it I would be a very depressed and angry person from all the letdown. Perhaps, though, some good came come from a bad situation and you could donate the admission fee you wont be using to a charity like the Humane Society or ASPCA...just a thought:)

Posted by: MCW | May 10, 2005 12:50 PM

"I can fully understand someones desire to like or not like the prequal trilogy and compare it to the original trilogy, but after reading all this and that Salon.com article I am left wondering why so much energy and time is being expended analyzing these movies scene by scene? I mean c'mon, they are movies, not the Bible."

In response to your ill-conceived post, I for one can not believe you actually compared Star Wars to the Bible. Do you actually memorize the bible and, if so, do you actually think remembering lines from a movie is any different/worse? I respect that you have no real taste for proper entertainment, as you clearly only watch movies in order to see the shiny lights and flashing rays of color, but don't you think you can allow a fan to express his opinion on a website (which no one forced you to read by the way) without trying to belittle his views? The point is, anyone with a brain realizes that the cinematic catastrophe that was episode I (and II for that matter) were over-budgeted and horribly exploited films that received far too much credit. I'll be damned if someone like hayden christensen can get millions of dollars for staring blankly into a camera while lucas rubs him down with massage oils. Congratulations on not having any sort of taste in films (god forbid you actually have to think about things like plot or theme in a movie), along with not having enough balls to post your name on this forum. Now go watch XXX 2 and keep inbreeding, or whatever it is you do down there in Retardville.

Posted by: Jon Wilmot | May 10, 2005 01:42 PM

Its funny, I thought I was very civil and mature in my discussion, yet I receive a rabid response from an angry person who feels threatened. Nowhere in my post did I belittle anyone, infact I made absolutely sure to state several times that I respect the authors point of view and this is mine. My point with the Bible is the fact that it is a book that has been analyzed and reanalyzed over and over again for hundreds of years. A movie is a movie, it doesnt need to be analyzed for its subtle moral undertones or its merits or anything to that extent...most specifically referring to the salon.com article. It deserves to be pointed out that in most situations, the people who resort to personal attacks to get a rise from someone is the person with the least substance to their argument. I dont post my real name because who knows where a psycho like you might live. You seemed to fly off the handle pretty badly when I said nothing to warrant it, who knows what you would do if you got really pissed off. Wouldnt want you coming to Retardville and killing my inbred children now, would I? Or even worse, lecturing them on what is a quality movie and worthly of them watching....ohhh scary.

Posted by: MCW | May 10, 2005 01:59 PM

Finally, someone else has come upon what I have been wondering since Ep. I. What does balance mean? Is it really such a good idea? I would say no. Add to that: Anakin is the chosen one, Yoda meditates, feels his pain and suffering...is he going to do anything to help him? Heck no!

And you're right: explaining everything is the biggest crap of all. The charm of Star Wars, as opposed to Star Trek (don't wanna start a debate here), was that there was so much left unexplained, left to you imgination. So many things hinted at, which made you feel the universe was complete. What is the Ord-Mantel junkyard? I don't know, but it sounds like a real place. Must be important.

Jedi went from being fighting Shaolin-Monks to actual monks. That is the saddest thing of all.

Posted by: Jheurf | May 10, 2005 02:31 PM

Heres my take on the super-powered Jedi of the prequal trilogy versus the muted Jedi of the original trilogy. In the original movies, we only see 3 jedi, Obi-Wan, Yoda and Luke. Obi-Wan and Yoda are old men and likely not as physically able to respond to the Force as in their younger days. Luke is essentially barely a Jedi, he had maybe 1 month of training before facing off against Vader at Cloud City and maybe at most 6 more months of training before ROTJ. Jedi from the prequals train their entire lives, so I feel it is safe to assume that through years of training and practice the Jedi could become so attuned to the Force that they could have hyper-physical capabilities. Look at Luke in the final Death Star fight, he does back flips, jumps high up in the catwalks and has quite a bit more physical prowess than he did in ANH or ESB. Perhaps 5 or 10 years down the road as he truly masters the Force he will exhibit the abilities that the Jedi have in the prequals. It is stated numerous times that the Jedi are the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, so it would make sense that they would be the epitomy of human achievement. You wouldnt likely see Buddhist monks today being defenders of the world, but skilled Buddhist Shao-Lin monks are both spiritual and can kick butt better than anyone:)

Posted by: MCW | May 10, 2005 02:52 PM

Just to be sure I'm not misunderstood (even though it's kinda paradoxal):

In episodes IV to VI, from what we heard of the Jedi Order, they were wise and guardians of peace in the Galaxy.

In episodes I & II, we see they're a bunch of limp monks that spend their time reading, studying, investigating and not doing anything (especially no hanky-panky, which is the dumbest of all...isn'T Force sensitivity hereditary?). Only through manipulation do they act in the Clone War.

Yoda used to be Wise, in episode I he's just a dick ("you miss your mom? well you can't be a Jedi, you little shit")

Growing up, I wanted to be a Jedi. After episode I, they made me want to scream: "Do something you useless bastards!"

Posted by: Jheurf | May 10, 2005 07:39 PM

Y'know, the second I saw this show up on "Daypop Top 40" for today I knew that there would be a lot of additional reasoned prose...O.K., I'm lying, I just wanted to see how many hundreds of more posts had been splattered in here. I'm sadistic this way.

I must say, it didn't disappoint. What's funny is the comment "If you don't like it, don't watch it!" If you wanted proof that reading for content is dead; there it is. John SAYS Lucas isn't getting his money (I'll make it easy for you, use the "search" function on your damned browser). So... he's not allowed to be angry that he had hoped for a better movie and got crap?

Well, I guess that's what we little droogies should do; shut the hell up and pay our money for the swill that gets poured down our throats.

"Oh, I'm afraid that that the theatre will be quite operational by the time your friends arrive"

They could have been good, and I think, that's what's pissing John off. Would eps I & II have wowed back in '77? Sure they would have, and it I took a Pinto back to 1932 it would be heralded as a miracle of engineering! Your point is?

eps I & II just are not good, which is too bad. They could have been. I'll admit that I will likely hand off the cash to see III if only for the eye-candy, which looks impressive. After which point I STILL have the right to bitch about it if it suxes.

Posted by: W. Ian Blanton | May 10, 2005 10:30 PM

AHMEN BROTHER!

I will NOT pay to see this abomination. I wish the rest of the world would join me.

Posted by: gman | May 10, 2005 11:39 PM

I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE U I HATE

Posted by: FG | May 11, 2005 01:25 AM

you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard you dirty bastard

Posted by: Ayden lee and s martyn | May 11, 2005 01:26 AM

you cant talk you fat bitch, i hate you , you bastard.

Posted by: ayden lee& samuel martyn | May 11, 2005 01:29 AM

Okay, on the last three comments, all of which come from two machines, namely prx5 & prx6.waceo.schools.net.au...

I've got IP addresses, times, headers, and domain information, including contact info for your machine domains and your IP domains. Now, i'm going to guess that you're on the young side, and therefore not thinking clearly. So I get an apology within 24 hours of your last post time, or I have a chat with the folks that run your domain.

And if I find out that you're a couple of high school prats on a lark, I'm going to make sure that it's a long time before you fuck with someone else's site ever again.

If you wish to intelligently argue with me about this, by all means, please, do. But this kind of crap gets you hit with the "Age and treachery always beats youth and enthusiasm" stick.

In the future, make sure the person you're fucking with hasn't been working networks longer than you've been alive, k?

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 11, 2005 06:19 AM

Cool. A little high in emotion, maybe not quite as much technical style as I'd like, but it's a 9 all round. (The Soviet judge wanted to give it a 7, but I bitchslapped him until his ears bled.)

Brother, your comment on jumping-bean Yoda came from the heart. I'm used to learning from stout, elderly ju-jitsu teachers who can near as dammit disembowel you simply by doing the Roger Moore Eyebrow Lift. Georgie-boy's vision of a centuries-old master seems to have come from watching too many Hong Kong Phooey cartoons in his couch potato youth.

My four-year-old kid loves the Star Wars stuff, and when the new flick comes out here in Australia, it should be near enough to his birthday that I want him to see it. But you know, I'm gonna make his mother take him. I'm way too old to put my face next to Lucas' ass again. I've been farted on enough.

Posted by: Dirk Flinthart | May 11, 2005 07:20 AM

John, I would stand and applaud if it wouldn't draw the attention of the rest of the cube farm. Thank you for putting into words almost everything I've been thinking about the "new trilogy"--I say "almost" because the notion of Han being a (potential) furry never occurred in the decidedly dark depths of my imagination--there are just some places man was not meant to boldy go.

Pseudo-humorous ramblings aside, thank you.

Posted by: JB Whelan | May 11, 2005 08:51 AM

Just FYI, the actual author of the first Star Wars book was Science Fiction writer Alan Dean Foster not Lucas. He mentions it on his webpage's FAQ.

Posted by: Christopher Harrington | May 11, 2005 10:58 AM

Back in February 14, 2004, I said the same thing about Han and the shooting first issue, it's a MAJOR subplot. Feel free to chaeck it out.

http://www.backwash.com/content.php?jouid=8014

Posted by: penty | May 11, 2005 12:59 PM

A movie is a movie, it doesnt need to be analyzed for its subtle moral undertones or its merits or anything to that extent...

Lots of people seem to think that, which is probably why so much of what is churned out of Hollywood lately remarkably resembles raw sewage.

Love the rant; agree 110%.

Posted by: bizarrogirl | May 11, 2005 02:41 PM

Did you get into the character of Anakin before you wrote that whiney teen piece?

Posted by: Gareth Hay | May 11, 2005 03:04 PM

Ouch! Burn!

Posted by: Jheurf | May 11, 2005 05:06 PM

Booya! Good show, dude! I think you are absolutely right, though a bit flamy in places. :-)

Posted by: Elim Garak | May 11, 2005 08:36 PM

Did I get into the character of Anakin?

Whatever for? Maybe you should ask Lucas that, since he seems to think that "Whiny Bitch" == "Teh EEEEVUL"

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 12, 2005 05:52 PM

I am surprised you didn't even go into the abuses of physics that occur in the second of the prequels. Truly amazing stuff, great stunts, etc. Unfortunately, in real life jumping off of a speeding flyer and dropping several hundred meters onto another flyer going in another direction would get you turned into a fine mist. People may say "Yeah, but it's a movie!" or even worse, "Hey, this is science fiction." I also hate movies where the action is excessive and unrealistic (especially the clip in the pistol that never needs replacing, but also the 2x4 across the side of the head that doesn't even phase the fighter-unless you hang out with people on PCP, that doesn't happen). As for the science fiction argument, there is a key to the inherent fallacy. It isn't "fantastic fiction", but science is often forgotten. I see nothing so fantastic about the force as portrayed in the original movies: there are some things in the world you just can't explain. But in this whole prequel nonsense, things just get out of hand.

Another thing was in that first prequel, with the little kid in the landscooter. It reminded me of saturday morning cartoon logic. You understand that little kids are watching, and they are having all sorts of power struggles with their parents. They want to see a little kid who can do ANYTHING, even if they can't even ride a bike yet. The inherent cuteness factor of it made me gag, and there are other disturbing aspects of adults who tell children that they are the best, and oh so special. Consider Michael Jackson as a case in point. So overall, I agree with you, but there are so many other faults with this damned prequel that it is sad. The original Star Wars was pure space opera. This prequel business is for marketing toys to spoiled little brats.

Posted by: Phil Hickey | May 13, 2005 07:27 AM

"There are two groups of fans for my films: one group over 25, and the other under 25. The people in their 30s and 40s love the first three, and they are in control of the media and the web.

"The more recent ones are fantastically adored by people under 25 and the devotion of each group is about equal ... but one group can express themselves more loudly than the others.

"It will be interesting to see what happens in 10 years when the younger group has grown older."

-- George Lucas

Posted by: Alex Maccise | May 16, 2005 12:01 AM

Did I get into the character of Anakin?

Whatever for? Maybe you should ask Lucas that, since he seems to think that "Whiny Bitch" == "Teh EEEEVUL"

Hmm, what really was my point?

waves hand these ARE the prequels you are looking for.

Posted by: Gareth Hay | May 16, 2005 07:00 AM

Lucas is the "Whiny Bitch" I'm 27, so I guess I straddle the 2 groups, and I hated I and II. Sure, 12 years kids will love it: it's full of flashy things and toys. But toys don't make a movie. Hey I loved Commando and Predator 2 as a kid. Does that make them good movies!

Even before ep.I came out, I was worride: the guys hasn't done a film in like 20 years. And I was right to be worried.

I don't blame him for defending himself, but he should try and listen to critism and build on it. I'm sorry, but you don't have to be over 25 to know that "...you are all that is soft and beautyful" is just an aweful line and that Anakins British accent is atrocious.

Posted by: Jheurf | May 16, 2005 08:53 AM

*Sorry for all the typos above, I should re-read myself before posting.*

...and people below 25 are the people that are typically being marketed to. So of course they liked the movies more: it was made for the! 'Caus let's not kid ourselves, eps I and II are pure marketing.

Posted by: Jheurf | May 16, 2005 02:52 PM

May I just add that I am in the 25 and under age bracket that George is apparently marketing to (although I made it just barely), and I can't stand the new movies. My roommate, on the other hand, fits nicely into the older age bracket and loves the new films.

And I am a huge fan of the original trilogy. I can proudly wear my geek hat and wave my Star Wars collectible action figures still in their little boxes, my collected screenplays, and my autographed picture of C3-PO.

But the new films are crap. Feces. Excrement. For all the reasons that you have so lovingly detailed, John.

But for one that you missed, too. At least for me. The reason I loved the first three movies was because I could relate to the characters. Dude, that naive farmboy, out in the world for the first time? That was me. Leia, a woman who was able to take charge of her own rescue and not be a damsel in distress all the time? That was me, too! Lando, trying to protect what he built. I got that too! I wanted to be as cool and flippant as Han. I wanted to have a big furry walking carpet with FANGS for a best friend, cause, Dude, I bet Chewie could have kicked some major ass. Even the Abott and Costello routine of R2-D2 and C3-PO was funny, and relatable. Hell, Vader was relatable just because he sort of represented everything that was scary about authority figures for me. And the Emporer was that creepy thing that crawled out from under your bed at night.

There is nothing in the new films for me to catch hold of. Obi-wan and Qui-Gon were flat, and I never found myself really *interested* in either of them. Anakin? Weird creepy little boy in the first movie, then angsty bitchfest in the second? If Anakin lived in our world, you just know he'd be a Goth, complete with bad eye makeup. Why would I *want* to relate to that? Padme? Padme was cool in the first movie. The only character I liked. But then she actually went and fell in love with this complete loser? Why? All my respect for her went straight down the tubes. So who does that leave for me to like? Jar-Jar? Hardly.

The acting was never wonderful in any of the movies, but the characters in the original films were likable, even lovable, or they struck some chord in you that made you go "YES! I know this! I recognize this!" and it put you into the films.

The new films are all so overblown. The CGI isn't quite real enough to convince me. I spend all my time going "Look at the pretty computer art" and none of my time believing a minute of it.

That's where Lucas failed me. He took that Joseph Campbell Hero's Journey and turned it into an Emo song. I craved the story of the fall of Anakin, the story of a Brutus like man, the champion of the Jedi, who fell from grace to become what he became. Instead I got a "protagonist" who I could not relate to, could not like, or respect, and could no longer fear.

Some of you have challenged us nay-sayers to "Do better" if we think we can. Well I know I can. I have the perfect story of Vader's fall. The perfect movie ending to these prequels. It's in my head, and I plan on keeping it there, and not sandblasting it out with Lucas's masturbatory crap. Which is why, faithful follower that I once was, who sat through the first two films thinking that there was some hope, I refuse to see this one.

I'm sorry Georgie, you lost my eight dollars. And all of my respect.

Posted by: Melissa | May 17, 2005 09:12 AM

Brin's not the first SF author to have a pop at Lucas for the elitist, anti-democratic and authoritarian streak in Star Wars - Michael Moorcock wrote a great essay called "Starship Stormtroopers" after the release of the original film (do a google search for "MIchael Moorcock Starship Stormtroopers" if you fancy a read). As he put it: "This sort of implicit paternalism is seen in high relief in the currently popular Star Wars series which also presents a somewhat disturbing anti-rationalism in its quasi-religious 'Force' which unites the Jedi Knights... and upon whose power they can draw, like some holy brotherhood, some band of Knights Templar. Star Wars is a pure example of the genre (in that it is a compendium of other people's ideas) in its implicit structure -- quasi-children, fighting for a paternalistic authority, win through in the end and stand bashfully before the princess while medals are placed around their necks."

Posted by: Ian Betteridge | May 17, 2005 01:23 PM

I just wish that George would have let someone capable of directing this do so.

But he didn't, and this...spasm of ego and unlimited funds is what we have.

I'm glad he's not going to do the last three...because i'd hate to see 9 hours of "kumbaya, Jedi-Style"

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 17, 2005 05:44 PM

You're a fucking dumbass. Please do the world a favor and eat the buisness end of a loaded shotgun.

Eat shit and die.

Posted by: Go fuck yourself | May 17, 2005 11:39 PM

Obviously a JarJar fan.

Posted by: John C. Welch | May 18, 2005 12:03 AM

I would front the possibility that George may spin the Leia/Padme continuity issue by using that as "foreshadowing" or something like that how Leia remembers her mother by using the force before she was born... Like she was able to sense her mother's feelings and actions by using the force. Even that (possibly the best anyone could come up with to iron out that wrinkle) is a bit lame.

I wonder how long until someone starts a Star Wars fan club that denies the prequel trilogy ever happened, or at least doesn't consider it to be within the "canon" of the trilogy.

Posted by: Adam | May 18, 2005 01:18 PM

spasm of ego and unlimited funds

I love it!

Posted by: Jheurf | May 18, 2005 05:43 PM

totally agree with all the sentiments in the original commentary. brilliant article on just how lucas has pissed on all that was great about the star wars trilogy in tribute of the mighty dollar.

Posted by: james | May 19, 2005 03:02 PM

Star Wars isn't quite done with the revisionism:

http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3?date=2004-09-22

Posted by: tetsu | May 20, 2005 12:21 AM

Thanks for the great rant. I, too, carry a fondness for the Star Wars of my childhood/youth, and have been profoundly disappointed by Lucas' tinkering with the original three films and attempt to complete the story with Episodes I-III. Yes, it is a space opera and cannot really be considered high art, but, then, I don't think any of us were looking for that. I think most fans (or former fans) just wanted a story that made some sense, characters who actually developed, some cool special effects etc. Something that changed the way we viewed the movies, the way Star Wars did so long ago.

I DID go to see Episode III (I caved, I'll admit it), and--though I'm hardly an expert--I came out wondering the following:

1) If Palpatine's former master was so powerful that he could tamper with the midi-chlorians (which just sound like toilet bowl cleaner to me) and "create life", wouldn't that kind of tampering have created one serious mother of a disturbance in the Force? Wouldn't the Jedi have noticed that BEFORE Obi Wan and company happened upon little Anakin and the Blessed Virgin?

2) If the evil clones were being controlled by the dark side of the Force from the get-go, again, wouldn't the Jedi who were leading them into battle unawares maybe have felt some kind of tickly "all the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up" kind of disturbance in the Force BEFORE they were slaughtered? They were masters, not younglings, weren't they? (younglings???)

3) The one that kept me up last night questioning how much I had really absorbed from the movies of my childhood: IF "everything is transpiring (sic) exactly as [the Emperor has]forseen" (VI), how did he not know that Padme's burial with a pregnant belly was a ruse? Or IF he knew that the kid(s) had survived, and he believed them to be a threat to his hold over Vader, how the hell did he not know where they were? Leia, okay, that may have been less obvious. But HELLO--you give Vader's kid back to the FAMILY?? In 18 years, no one ever passed by Tatooine and reported back that "Hey, yeah, the family's fine. Nice looking kid they've got--blonde, blue-green eyes, square chin. Impulsive, though. Good pilot, we hear. Funny that they told everyone they couldn't have children of their own. Huh. How old is the kid? Oh, I don't know, about the same age as your black suit . . ." ??? Right, right, right, the Emperor was just waiting for the precise moment he could turn son against father in VI (and did that turn out exactly as he had forseen, too?)

I had always just assumed that Vader didn't even know there was the possibility of fatherhood (a la--there was a wife, but he had not learned she was pregnant before he turned; upon meeting Luke, he guessed the truth based on probability rather than certainty), therefore had never given any thought to looking for his lost offspring while he was busy killing people and ruling the galaxy. Does it seem likely that a villian that evil (except that he isn't, as you say, really anything more than a petulant teenager), a villian destined to become "more powerful" than the Emperor himself (who, if we go by the expanded rules of The Force, should have been able to sense the children from the moment they were born), a villian who had become completely detached from any goodness he'd once had, wouldn't have VERIFIED that his offspring perished with his wife? The balance of the entire story arc hinges on this one massive suspension of disbelief.

So many holes, so many lame duck attempts at character development, so little REAL motivation for evil (as you so rightly pointed out) . . .

So sad.

Posted by: Rufus | May 20, 2005 12:05 PM

I know it's a sacrilege to you bitter old men, but really, the prequel trilogy is just as good as the old one - or as bad, depending on your point of view. Except for plain dopey-eyed nostalgia, there isn't any point in making a difference between the two.

What most people fail to realise, and what is so ironic (and amusing) about the debate here is that most of the criticism launched by old-school Star Wars fanboys against the new movies is exactly the same stuff people said about Episodes IV, V and VI twenty years ago. Let's examine a few examples:

"The prequels suck because of the wooden acting. Hayden Christensen is terrible."

Christensen's performance in "Attack of the Clones" may indeed be debatable (I haven't seen "Revenge of the Sith" yet, which is supposedly an improvement), but I wouldn't hold that against him. Anyone who has seen "Shattered Glass" can attest that the guy is indeed quite a good actor. I think an argument can be made that people who act badly in George Lucas movies are not bad actors, they're just in George Lucas movies...

And that symptome goes back a long way. Let's face it - Mark Hamill was just as wooden in the originals as Christensen is now (and he was heavily criticised for it at the time, which people tend to forget now). Granted, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher did a fair job, but then, they didn't have particularly difficult parts to play, and they arguably had the most sympathetic roles. Most of the other performances ranged from mediocre to plain bad, though - even the great Alec Guinness never looked comfortable as Obi-Wan (and as we know, he wasn't!).

As a matter of fact, for anyone objective enough to look, there are plenty of good performances in Episodes I, II and III. Ewan McGregor is terrific as a young Obi-Wan, with his mixture of nobility and mischief. Samuel Jackson is doing a fine job, as was Liam Neeson in "Phantom Menace". Christopher Lee is a magnificent, charismatic villain in "Attack of the Clones". Even more so Ian McDiarmid, who is thoroughly enjoying himself as the insidious Chancellor / Emperor - arguably the best acting in any of the six movies, I for one love every scene he is in. No, I really don't think the acting, generally speaking, is any worse than it was back in 1977, unless you only look back on the old films through rose-colored glasses.

"The prequels suck because of the horrible dialogue."

Excuse me, but the original trilogy wasn't known for its Shakespearean wordcraft, either, was it? One of the reasons why Alec Guinnes loathed his part (and repeatedly implored George Lucas to cancel all appearances by Obi-Wan) was because he got tired of speaking "all those bloody awful, banal lines". "Use the force, Luke!" and other such hilarities. No, if dialogue is your thing, then in all fairness, you shouldn't like the original trilogy, either - better go out and watch "Fanny and Alexander" instead.

"I just hate Jar-Jar Binks."

Fair enough, he is mighty annoying. But what you fail to remember is how much people used to hate C3PO back in 1977 - it almost makes Jar-Jar look like a well-loved character. I'm not even starting about the Ewoks... Once again, this sort of criticism might just as well apply to the old movies.

"There's too much special effects in the prequels, it's all CGI and computer graphics."

This argument strikes me as particularly funny, given that we are watching Star Wars - which has always been on the forefront of cinema wizardry, then and now. What else do you expect? Usually, by the way, it's voiced by people who wouldn't know their butt from a hole in the ground when it comes to computer technology. From what I can reconstruct of their blabberings, it seems they assume that the old Star Wars movies are somehow "superior" because they used "real" models and puppets instead of all-digital creations - an amazingly silly complaint if you think about it, isn't it?

The fact is, creating special effects of this quality and magnitude demands a lot of creativity, imagination, and long hours of good, old-fashioned work - whether your tool is an old battleship kit in 1977 or a graphics program in 2005 doesn't make much of a difference. At the end of the day, it's the human effort that makes the difference. So, people, just learn to accept that technology progresses, will you? And be glad that the tools of today allow an even more spectacular and immersive experience for the viewer. Really, it's beyond me why Star Wars fans, of all people, should get these pig-headed, archaic notions...

By the way - the whole "too much reliance on special effects" argument sounds vaguely familiar to what most movie critics were saying about Star Wars back when it first came out. And wouldn't you know it!

"'Attack of the Clones' is such a silly title."

Another interesting complaint I once heard from an old-school fanboy. Which, again, strikes me as particularly amusing when you think about the B-movie hokum of titles like "The Empire Strikes Back" or "Return of the Jedi". Need I say any more?

"Episodes V and VI were the best because they were not directed by Lucas."

So you think Kershner and Marquand are great directors, do you? Oh my. I'd say mediocre at best, as is evident when you look at the remainder of their work. "Robocop 2", anyone?

Let's not kid ourselves - whatever flaws the Star Wars movies have, they are just as readily apparent in "Empire" and "Return" as in any other installment.

"It's just not Star Wars anymore. It hasn't got the magic."

Usually, this is the last, lame argument an old-school fanboy will fall back to. After admitting that, yes, the acting, the dialogue, the overwrought special effects and everything else was, after all, just as bad in 1977 as it is now, he'll come out with this last line of defence, this irrational assertion that, somehow, "the magic" is gone.

Of course, the magic is gone - you've grown up, pal! Simple as that.

And this is perhaps the simple, and quite complicated, centre of the whole issue. There is this generation of old Star Wars fans out there, wh