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So, looking at the previous post, an essay I wrote long ago, I'm reminded that I still have a ways to go to get to being a man. But then, that was a given. It isn't a goal you attain, like running a marathon, or buying your first car, house, etc.

It's a journey, and it's how you behave after you hit a bump that counts.

As I was saying, I've done some stupid shit in my life. Most of it only affected me, but some, unfortunately, has affected people I care deeply about, even recently.

There's not much you can really do about it. Especially, when you see it coming for a while, and you're trying to avoid it. Which is always a bad sign. You may be avoiding it for good reasons, maybe not.

But eventually, you have to deal with the fact that you've fallen from your path, and you're acting like every dipshit dumbass with an overly hard penis. So then what do you do?

All you can do is try to fix things, set things right, and apologize. You climb back up and keep trudging towards your goal.

There's not much else you really can do. You hope that the people you hurt realize that you don't do this out of hand, or all the time. You hope that they understand that you'd never, for any reason, want to deliberately cause them pain, even though you did. And you hope that they can forgive you.

That's an important thing: Forgiveness.

Or perhaps, Redemption would be better. You see, we are all going to fuck up. I guarantee it. From spelling to love, we are all going to fuck something up. On the flip side, you are going to have someone you care about fuck up, really bad, or really minor. But it will happen. The question is, can you forgive them that fuckup, even if it's not the first? Especially if it isn't the first time.

For me, if it's someone I care about, in the end, the answer will always be yes. It's not that I'm some kind of Fred Rogers wannabe. It's that I know I'm going to do stuff that will be a fuckup. If I can't handle redemption from the giving end, how can I ever hope to receive any when I need it?

The other thing you do is make sure that you don't repeat the mistake. Ever.

This is not easy to explain. It deals with too many concepts from too many cultures, everything from the Arthurian Code to the samurai. There are libraries full of treatises on this stuff.

But when you fuck up, you can't stop trying. You can't say, "I'm no longer perfect, so why bother?" Because that's when you find out how bad you want something, how much something, or someone means to you. Do you care enough to look them in the eye, call them on the phone, and admit your fuckup? Even if they don't know about it. Even if you could hide it.

The answer has to be yes.

Then, the only thing you can say is "I'm sorry, can you forgive me?"

And even though it should be no, you hope the answer is yes. Because maybe what we all need is another shot at redemption.

john

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