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But what is a Man? What is that quantity that turns a male of any age into a man? Well, I'll tell you right now that my best answer is a guess. There is no quantity 'x', that possession of which makes you a man. It's a series of things, actions, deeds. It's a goal, that you strive to attain, and in that striving, become what you seek. What is easy to define is what does not make you a man.

If you get really annoyed that your wife has these odd ideas that you need to deal with things like housework and daycare arrangements, you're not a man, you're a guy. If you spend 364 days out of the year ignoring your girlfriend, and buy her flowers on Valentine's, and then call her a bitch for dumping you, you're a guy. (Note: this applies to gay men too. Being a man is an asexual act, and gay males are just as big a group of assholes as the heterosexual ones are. ) If you treat your daughter's boyfriends like trolls because that's what you were when you were 17....guy.

Look, being a man is a tough thing. For one thing, you suddenly have to become responsible. This is more than admitting that yeah, you were the one responsible for the Cindy Crawford wallpaper on all the company computers on April Fool's. It means a realization of duty and obligations, both professionally and personally. It means you do the thing things that need doing because they need doing. It means that when you say the word "promise", that the person hearing it understands that you have carved that commitment in stone, and can sleep on it. It is also a pain, because when you operate that way, you get somewhat intolerant of those who don't. I'm not saying you never lie. Please, anytime I tell a client that "Oh no, those computers just change settings and delete things" instead of "You're a moron, and should be entrusted with nothing more complex than a crayon and an Etch-A-Sketch.", I'm lying. But be honest. Don't bullshit people about who you are, or what you are. Say "I don't know", if you don't know, but then follow it with a promise to bloody well find out. Don't tell someone, "If you need me, just call." unless you are prepared to get up at 2am, to make sure they don't have to drive home when they're too drunk to walk. Men take responsibility, guys have it shoved on them. Men plan to have kids, and plan not to have kids. Men never ask "How did that happen?" when told they are about to be a father, as they were in on the idea from the start. Guys, on the other hand run around in a circle, screaming. Men understand that responsibility is proactive, not reactive. This brings us to the second part of manhood, character.

Unfortunately, character seems to be something that we catch once in a while, usually during an election year. That's a shame too, because it's such an essential part of being a man. It's also the slipperiest part. It's intertwined with responsibility, yet stands above it. It's one of those things you always strive for, but only find out if you were successful after you've left this life. But if responsibility is proactive, then character would be the reactive part of being a man. It's how we deal with failure, success, and everything in between. Character is the difference between men like Malcom X and Charles Manson. (Okay, Manson is also a sociopath, but bear with me here.) Both of these men had hard lives, and they both spent parts of their lives as criminals and did jail time. But for some reason, Malcom X had an epiphany, and Manson didn't. Now in Malcom's case, he saw it as Allah showing him the way. In any event, he had an awakening of character, he saw that he was not handling life the right way, that he needed to change. He further saw that part of this change was to help his people become more than they were. We can agree or disagree with his ideas on this, it's not germane. The point here is, that he grabbed ahold of something better, and never stopped reaching for it. In the end, he died of it. Manson on the other hand, degenerated into a loser psycho in the Mojave desert, blaming blacks, Jews, 'the man', and anyone else but himself for what his life was. Unfortunately, this lack of character resulted in a lot of people dying in brutal ways. Character is what happens when you realize that you've just drank your way out of college, and are now qualified to spend the rest of your life as an alcoholic Burger King manager. You can either accept this, or realize that you need to make the hard choice, to take the road less traveled, and somehow, remove your head from your ass, and make a proper life for yourself. Character means that when life hands you lemons, and you can't make lemonade, you keep going anyway. It means that when your luck takes a turn for the worse, you tell yourself, "Damn that sucks," and then quietly go about fixing it. It means you handle your life in a responsible way. Like a Man.

I think one of the most critical aspects of being a Man is how you treat women. The problem is, most of the advice you are going to get is feces. First of all, you're going to get told that a woman needs a man, and a man needs a woman. Only if you're reproducing Sparky, other than that, no you don't NEED a woman. You want one. But what kind of woman do you want? Well, let's face it, if you buy into what society tells you, you get a remora. Her life isn't complete without you, she can't live without you, she needs a man to nurture, blah blah blah. Blech. Sounds like hell to me. Most Men I've known run like a deer in hunting season when they run into a remora. The worst part is, when you meet one, you don't know. It's only after the commitment is established, that the suction cup attaches to your back. This is not a relationship between functional adults. Unfortunately for Men, women tend to be raised to look functional, but be remoras. Even more unfortunately, there are enough guys, (Bold statement of the obvious, Men are in the minority), who like remoras, so that it's encouraged. It's a kick to be the big daddy, the adult in the relationship. It also sucks when the relationship falls apart, because guess who she's going to want hung out to dry? It won't be the parents that raised her to be dependent on men, it's going to be that suckee she just detached from. But if you want to know why men treat women like stupid brood mares, suitable only as kitchen help and sperm receptacles, the remoras are why. So what does a Man do about it? Well, first of all, be friends with women. I don't mean, "Just friends", as that is the code for "She won't have sex with me." I mean, have friends who happen to be female. Enjoy their company, the different world view is an eye opener. Especially gravitate towards the ones labeled as "Ball busters". It's been my experience that they really aren't, they are just intolerant of guys. Men have a lot of fun with them, as they tend to be witty, smart, and all the other qualities that make up a good friend. Also, go out with a woman because you want to spend time with her. Don't just make it a prelude to sex, or an attempt at sex. This is not to say that if you are attracted to a woman sexually, not to let her know. Just don't make it the only reason to go out with her, or not go out with her. If you are going to let her know that you would like to know what she looks like just before she wakes up, for Pete's sake, don't tell her that you'd like to drive her head through the bedframe. Even if you are sure that's what she'd like. It's crude, and tasteless. And guys do it, not Men. Now on the other hand, I've never had a woman get angry with me for telling her that her presence in the room is overheating me at a cellular level. Everyone likes to be told that they are attractive, and to be told that you are having a spontaneous physical effect on someone is always appreciated, but use some panache. Read some Shakespeare, read some Shelley.

Since we are talking about women, I suppose that sex naturally follows. Okay, here's the big revelation: PORN IS NOT REAL. Those gymnastics you see on screen are just that, on-screen. They are done for camera angles. Guys, nipples are not tuning dials for Radio Moscow, ankles do not inherently belong behind ears, and having one's breasts incessantly pawed for an hour hurts. Also, the spitting thing has to stop. If you have to hock a loogie for lubrication, you're messing up somewhere, and you're a guy, not a Man. Here's another big clue: Bikini lines do not define erogenous zones. Learn how to massage, learn where the accupressure points are. Women have an entire body that has nothing to do with nipples or pubes, make love to that. Make every touch the right one. That's most-high Man stuff. Learn how to properly kiss a neck, heck learn how to properly kiss period. I can't tell you how to do this, it varies with the person, but if you're jacking your mouth open like a Pez dispenser and wiggling your tongue like the creature from "Alien", rethink the technique dude. Men understand that a foot rub can be foreplay as much as oral sex. For that matter, Men understand that taking out the garbage can be foreplay. Married Men are agreeing here. Men also understand the importance, and fun of flirting. If you really want to guarantee a night of mind blowing sex, learn how to flirt. Learn how to look, and talk, and touch. Flirting is the highest, and sometimes best form of foreplay, and if done properly, is so subtle that others may not realize it's happening. Men flirt, guys proposition. Men figure out ways to tell the woman of their affections how beautiful she is, and how desperately they want to know that beauty from a distance involving millimeters. Guys tell her she's got a nice rack, and oh by the way, wanna fool around. I admit the direct approach can be effective, but direct and style are not mutually exclusive. Essentially, flirting is sex for the mind, and unlike men, who get a ripping good hard-on from a full bladder, women want a wee bit more. In other words, you are dealing with a person, not a collection of parts, not a warm place for your penis. Even if it's obvious that the relationship is not going to survive the sex, treat her well anyway. You never know when you'll have to deal with her outside of the sack, and you don't want her only impression of you to be that of a grunting, spitting Pez dispenser. Trust me, it doesn't make for a good job interview.

Another serious difference between Men and guys is how they deal with those of different sexual orientations. This is pretty much directed at the heterosexual men, as the gay ones deal with it already, and don't need my help. Look, manhood is not something that can be lost or stolen. The sight of a hairy guy in a leather g-string, while possibly nauseating, (some things just ain't right. If you are hirsute, ditch the Speedos.) is not a threat to your masculinity. If it is, you don't have any to begin with, and you're a guy, not a Man. For crying out loud, killing, beating, discriminating against gay people is wrong, wrong, wrong. There may be better adjectives than wrong, but if wrong isn't enough, then nothing else will be. So some guy prefers that the person he is intimate with, holds hands with, falls in love with is another guy. What does that have to do with you? What gives you any obligation to go screw with someone unless they do something to you. Even if they do proposition you, is it so hard to say, "Well, the thought is flattering, but I'm not gay." ? Or if it's a particularly crude proposition, then what's wrong with telling the asshole to go pound sand? Men do NOT take people they don't like outside, beat them, and leave them to die, crucified on a fence. That's the act of a bigot, and no bigot can be a Man, period. As my daddy used to say, "If you have time to spend your entire life hating people for no damn reason, other than their exisistance, you need to do more work, because you obviously aren't being productive enough." I mean, if someone pisses you off, and you don't like that person, fine, don't like them. My dad hated Martin Luther King Jr. Hated him like I could never believe. But, not because he was black, or a civil rights leader. He hated him because in the 60s, he had a date with a really cute flight attendant in Chicago, and had scheduled things so he'd pick her up before Dr. King was leading a march. Well, the march happened early, and the date got hosed. That's it, that's why, Martin Luther King ruined a chance for him to get laid. Now I'm not justifying hate, or dislike here, but at least this was for a reason that you can put your finger on, even if it's dumb. The other important fact here was that it wasn't all black people, most of which who never wronged him. It was one specific person, who happened to be a black civil rights leader. Sure as heck beats hating him because he's black, or all black people. Besides, if you spend your life hating gays, you miss out on a lot. A lot of potential friends, a lot of really good people. But, hey, you want to hate gay people, you'll never know. That and for some reason, being persecuted makes you that much more aware of how precious life really is. As a result, gay people tend to have just the best damn parties. If you don't believe me, spend Halloween in Key West. You may even survive.

I'm not setting this article up as a masculinity checklist. It would end up being infinite in length, and if you aren't a Man, you'd never get it, and if you are, you don't need it. Being a Man is a hard damn thing to do, but it's the right thing. It means you get misunderstood, and you get the "...friends" speech a lot. It means you go home alone from bars, and parties, and some days it really sucks. It means you occasionally get told "I wish my boyfriend was just like you." To which your first thought is..."He can be, dump that one, go out with ME!" It means you look at guys and think that God is a twisted individual.

But here's the part that no one besides me tells you. The good parts. It means that when you tell a dirty joke around your female friends, they get to laugh, because it's not a test to see if they're a slut, it's a funny joke. It means you get to complain about tampon commercials. It means you get to really enjoy the company of women, because you listen, and attempt to understand them. It means when you hear other guys talking about how women are impossible to deal with, you have no clue. It means when you do go to bed with one of these wonderful witty people you know, there's a whole level of trust that couldn't exist otherwise. And the return on that is worth going home alone more often than you'd like. It means you get to measure relationships, platonic and otherwise in terms of years and decades, instead of months. It means having a subtler, more slippery mojo, but one that works far deeper and longer than guy mojo. It means far more than you can spell out in an article. It means you realize that friend isn't the dirty word that guys think it is.

We have enough males, guys, fellas, etc. We need more Men, because those of us who are Men are getting tired of carrying the load for the assholes.

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